and not in vain will i seek

the mystery of it all.. the side-effects of living a life which purposefully does not question its meaning nor its purpose.  maybe i've been a coward and avoided the question.  i no longer concern myself with things like fate or destiny i just let things happen and tip a glass to the chaos of things.

it humbles me.

this year i have spent more time in my head than my previous 30 years combined.  i've met people and had experiences that are so amazing that i will not sift through the adjectives required to paint such a picture.  these are my memories and my pages of a book which only i read.  and now i'm left wondering about the future, an action which i usually try to avoid.  

i really have no idea where my life will take me next and i'm all of a sudden happy again having said that.  i feel like a kid again, a child who is new to the mysteries of the world.  i'm a child who does not question things but knows how to do what he is told.  i listen very carefully and adamantly to the consciousness in my heart and it has taken me to so many wonderful places in this world.  

i'm trying to avoid sadness, sleep better and eat in a diet which is relative to the diet of the great island i'm about to wander.  alone.  

once or twice i've written about something i call 'deconstruction', a concept which i've associated with the process of removing everything from your life which holds you back.  first you must go through your soul and second your apartment and you must untie the strings tied around your heart.  traveling the world is no gift which you win in the lottery nor is it your dream which you have to fulfill once you retire, it is in fact a reward of great personal sacrifice and discipline.  the sadness in my heart is great and i'm not as strong as you think i am.  i miss the world here and i feel pain in the gaps between my visits but this is the life i've chosen and to be perfectly honest i cannot imagine ever coming back for good.

this year i became attached to something which i choose to keep secret.  this thing, this idea has become something which keeps me on my toes and forever rearranges the closed corners of my heart.  i welcome it.  i'm glad it came and i'm happy to feel that madness.  

next year i will pack a bag, buy a ticket and move to madagascar.  i'm going to wander with eyes wide open and hands to the sky.  i will come back again to this city which has molded the scaffolding of the person who i have become today.

as it has been written, so i shall say again to you my friends, my brothers and sisters who have loved and supported me unconditionally for all these years together:

Brief were my days among you, and briefer still the words I have spoken. But should my voice fade in your ears, and my love vanish in your memory, then I will come again. And with a richer heart and lips more yielding to the spirit will I speak. Yea, I shall return with the tide, And though death may hide me, and the greater silence enfold me, yet again will I seek your understanding. And not in vain will I seek. If aught I have said is truth, that truth shall reveal itself in a clearer voice, and in words more kin to your thoughts.

-Kahlil Gibran

the moon is just the sun at night

level 4 weekend mornings

i am the rock of ages, you cannot move i at all

i believe that after a certain amount of time you eventually become yourself.  it's strange to think how we live so much of our lives in misunderstanding and discomfort within ourselves and it seems to me that one day we simply shed our final layers of innocence and become the person we have been designing for so long.  it is really a wonderful feeling to know yourself.  it's good also to spend some time with yourself and ask yourself from time to time where you stand in this world.

a long time ago an old friend told me that i had been trying to lose myself.  he watched my travels from afar and made a great effort to keep me sane when i was wandering through central asia.  i miss that guy.  i miss him and in some ways i miss the person he was writing to.

i've recently been spending an extra amount of time getting to know myself.  some things i've learned have struck me as very surprising while others were very reassuring that the choices i've made in the past have lead me directly to where i am today; all in one piece and a few scars/smile lines to boast my adventures.

i have this really good friend i've gotten to know recently.  i love the depths of our friendship and the self-discovery that has come along with it.  it makes me feel lucky that there are people out there who still see this strange world of sights and sounds with similar eyes.

in some ways i believe that these next few months will draw me deeper into isolation.  i'm truly okay with that.  i look forward to the pictures i'll make and the songs i will surely write.  it's funny to me to think sometimes how dramatically my life could be after only a few months time have passed.  this last year has been really great to me and i've earned sometime to unpack my bags and stretch my arms.  it is, of course, only a matter of time before i begin to lust over maps of unexplored lands and then set my sails to a new course.

There's smoke in my iris
But I painted a sunny day on the insides of my eyelids
So I'm ready now (What you ready for?)
I'm ready for life in this city
And my wings have grown almost enough to lift me
And
-Aesop rock


i have spent a long time being me and although i somehow have made attempts in the past to believe i don't really exist, it is very true to me that i'm just another mass of star dust among seemingly countless combinations of the same stars.  the universe has an amazing imagination and it favors no one.  the world is quite big too, anyone who says that it is a small world lives in a small world.

i just wanna see some monkeys...

level 4 weekday pm

good luck you guys!  thank you for the wonderful conversations :)

Peter Nalich