Return to the Sea

"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever.."

-Jacques Yves Cousteau

I found myself a few months ago about thirty meters underwater somewhere off the coast of Utila, Honduras.  My girlfriend and I traveled there in February being guided by a calling to explore somewhere new yet strangely familiar.  Islands seemed to be calling to us as we find our elements seem to collide where water meets tropical trees.  We've wandered jungles and waterfalls and even vast deserts to find absolute peace in abundance as well as absolute mystery in absence of anything at all.  Yet, as it came to be, I found my true self deep underwater.

Scuba diving is a great sport.  There are few things to compare diving to besides deep space travel with mysterious alien lifeforms abounding.  You'll come across corals that so beautifully remind you of plants and trees yet they are actually miracles formed by tiny animals who live with such fragility that even the tiniest changes to their environments can devastate their populations.  On any given dive you will probably encounter fish who greet you with all sort of expressions ranging from curious to hostile or even perhaps indifferent to your amazement of their beauty.  Some fish are amazingly evolved predators trying to catch other fish who are impressively skilled in their art of camouflage.  Among the coral and fish you will find other types of life in the form of the universe's wild imagination and at times you won't believe that you are still on Earth.  These things are all truly beautiful and I'm lucky to have such a hobby which will soon enough be my job, however it's not these surreal beauties which have captivated me in the way I'm referring to.  I found myself while staring deep into the abyss.

"He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster.  And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze also into thee."

-Friedrich Nietzche

Admittedly, I've kept a secret from the world for a long time.  It's only recently that I've become more open about depression, which is something that I've almost felt ashamed of since I was very young.  Honestly there is no time in life to waste feeling ashamed and truth be told things have actually been marginally easier for me once I started coming clean with others about my struggles with serotonin levels.  For some reason I had even believed that men in the workplace are unable to talk about their feelings yet I boldly tried at the marina a few months ago one particular day when I was quite beside myself.  I asked everybody to bear with me and I apologized for seeming scattered and distant.  Much to my surprise nobody really mocked me for it and a few other dudes even contributed that they too struggle with similar things.  

This is new to me, being open, in fact I've only been honest with myself for a few years now.  Somehow in that long journey I've made traversing the planet I had found and lost myself so many times that I just assumed it was part of the travel process.  Sometimes I felt so lonely even in the company of good friends who truly cared about me.  Other times I felt lost in my own head like I didn't know who I was when looking in the mirror.  I'd catch myself finishing half sentences out loud saying things like "...then I guess I'll never know what's wrong with me."  

So after years of assuming I was just an over-traveled sojourner of unimaginable freedom who has somehow found peace in losing his mind abroad I began to realize that there was a conversation which was desperately overdue.  

This conversation I speak of is the kind of conversation one has with nature on long walks alone or even those thoughts which vocalize when driving long distances and becoming closer with the open road miles from your home.  For me, this conversation began a few months ago about thirty meters underwater.

The abyss is seriously intimidating.  In my travels I've been privileged to see the underwater abyss in her many different forms.  When I lived in Samoa I used to don a simple mask and snorkel which I borrowed form my fishing village.  For what seemed like hours I would sit on rocks underwater holding onto pieces of shelf to keep myself submerged about six inches over my head.  Just breathe.  Stare into the endless blue and know that there is no land to be seen for thousands of miles.  

Some parts of the oceans I've explore have given me the opportunity to see first hand the edge of tectonic plate (I think that's what they are called).  The depth of the water will drop from about one hundred feet to immense distances of many miles towards the endless nothing below: The Abyss.

Maybe some people feel this endlessness when staring at the stars at night or perhaps even far away in the desert where they are surrounded by nothing but sand and their own thoughts.  I guess this would be the closest example I could think of but the abyss of the sea has a special hold on me and I would like to offer perhaps a warning of her beauty.  

To me the abyssal sea is like (...searching desperately for examples) the ring from Lord of the Rings (d'oh... lame example) or perhaps the tree of knowledge of good and evil.  I know of her temptations and I've been warned by philosophers who have come before me that this spell she casts on you could one day cost your life if you fall under her enchantment.  To me, I came to visit her with what I hoped was a strong heart and a healthy sense of listening.  We have an ongoing conversation when I'm deep underwater and visiting her is like running into an old friend at Ram's Horn at 3:00am and talking over coffee.  We just pick up right where we left off and she looks deep into each time and asks the words I've waited so long to hear from anyone that cares about me, "how are you?"

"How am I?"  I'm not sure.. I haven't really thought about it in a while.  We haven't spoken since March and in the meantime I've been working my ass off on my boats trying to save up for the next phase of our togetherness.  

After a few months more of training I'll have achieved my Dive Master and legally be permitted to take tourists around interesting parts of the reef.  I liked the idea at first but honestly I'm only pursuing Dive Master as a means to eventually become an instructor.  You see.. the abyss didn't reveal to me that I was non-deserving of mental happiness nor did she tell me I was unfit to live in such a world, she did however tell me that I need to teach others again.. I haven't been a teacher in over three years.  She reached to me and told me that I'm going to get any help from others but I have to look deep into myself, my own abyssal thoughts, to find my true calling on this planet.  

I'll say it... I miss teaching.  Somehow I became kinda good at it and since I've stopped teaching I've missed out on amazing opportunities to reach others.  That conversation, that ongoing dialogue I've had with the deep dark blue has shown me that I'm really the abyss and unless I conquer my own monsters I too will become swallowed up whole.  

I won't advertise to the world that I've written this blogpost, I'll just publish it and walk away.  Come with me if you like and follow this journey of a fish returning to the sea.. it all starts now, in this 18 hours or so I have left in my homeland before returning to Central America tomorrow and eventually to the sea.