Last Page

It's Sunday and it's also the last day of my break between semesters. During these last few weeks I've felt like I'm weeding a garden that has been unattended to for a bit too long. My dad's health has been my primary concern, and the fact that it takes me from my typical everyday concern about my son makes my head spin a bit. A few weeks ago I was sitting in a parking lot at an eye specialist to determine whether I had a serious eye condition (I don't, I'm fine), and I didn't even have a few moments to dwell on how scary that was. I was so caught up in work and life and everything else that I had lost track of things that should be obviously concerning. 

That scared me a little. So, I've been spending this time trying to form a new approach to the year 2023. I have a year's experience being a professor and nearly two and a half being a father. That means something great to me, and I think I often forget how scared I am to lose either of those roles. It's true. Being a father is terrifying. I think about death every single day. I'm afraid of the slightest irregularity in my body, but I have no other option besides continuing my journey through life as if calamity isn't lurking behind every corner. 

Okay, that was a bit much.

These are the last few paragraphs of the final chapter of 2022. Tomorrow I go back to work and try to navigate my way through daily life as if I wasn't feeling a heavy burden of existential anxiety. There I go again.  

I'm fine. When you put the pen in my hand these things start pouring out. I'm worried about my dad, and my son is growing up faster than they could have warned me about. I love them both so much, and I see myself as this chain between both of their worlds. I have some things I've never gotten over, and I think the time has come for me to carry on as if my armor wasn't so loose-fitting. Have you ever heard of imposter syndrome? 

They've got the wrong guy. I'm nobody. Wait a minute, no I'm not, I'm everybody. I'm everybody my son has ever known and everybody my father has ever made me. I have to be somebody, but I've never been sure if I'm anybody.

I really thought this would be a happy post, but I'm scared. There are so many things that I really wanted to have figured out before becoming a father, but I must not have been paying attention during that lecture. I should have taken better notes. But, you know what? I'm doing it anyway. Whoever I am, I am somebody who is stronger than the person they think they are. My son needs me, and I've never ever felt needed quite like I do now. 

Here's to chapter 2023. I've got a few scars now, but I've got this.