Ornament

Today you cried when you saw your picture. It was a gift given to you by your teacher in the form of an ornament for our Christmas tree decorated with a photo of you wearing a Santa hat and holding a string of flickering lights. There is a cozy winter scene behind you with a gingerbread house and lots of snow. It really got to you for some reason when we were opening presents today, and I didn't want the entire day to pass without writing that somewhere. The very act of putting those thoughts into words is comforting.

I've been trying to get my inspiration back, the kind that I once invested in art and music. There is no doubt that I've converted much of that energy into parenting, but I'm finding myself once again in a place where I begin to fidget at night if I haven't created something during that day. Today I drew three or four cartoonish video game characters, and it doesn't matter how much personal touch I put into them, I just needed to feel a marker carry itself across paper.

For a short while I was beginning to grow afraid of something I could not control. I caught myself doing that thing where I anxiously pace from room to room of my small house. I get caught up in a thought or lost in a pattern of temporary interest and distraction and suddenly I begin to feel bad like I'm wasting my time. Somehow writing this down allows me to zoom out a bit and whenever I take a moment to do that, I catch a glimpse of realization that I'm probably just misfiring from being so hyper-focused on my duties as a father, husband, etc. 

Yet, I feel a certain sense of concentration coming over me tonight that I haven't felt in a long time. Watching you see yourself in a photo of holiday job and feeling those emotions you felt face to face made me realize that it's time I see my own photo for the beauty I've created. 

I love art. I love this spectacular painting we are making together, my beautiful son.