No worries

When I was a kid, I was scared all the time. I hid it though, at least I think I did. I used to have dreams about the end of the world, or sometimes about losing my parents. School scared me, and I used to get picked on sometimes. Maybe it was the curse of being an only child, one of those blessings in disguise because it helped to form me into the person I am today. Yet, as a child I was definitely scared, and I wonder sometimes if my son is scared too.

He's getting big. He's only two and a half, but he's taller than some three year-olds, and that often confuses people. Salem is like a brand new little kid who is discovering the world through very young eyes. I love to see him explore and interact with his environment and even people around him. The other day he was pumped to get this new toy (I think it was an RV with a trailer, one that came with dinosaur bones and other archeologist things), and he was showing it to everybody in the store on the way out. I love when he does that. His voice is changing and he's developing a great way to communicate with people. God, I love that kid.

Am I still scared? I don't know.. I haven't asked myself that question in a long time. I'm happy and I'm scared to lose that happiness sometimes. I try not to live in fear, but it follows me around. Having a child makes you put your own thoughts on hold for a while, and it's only in those rare moments of laying on the floor in an empty and quiet house that you get to talk with yourself for a while. What am I doing? Am I doing a good job? I sure hope so. Maybe I am scared sometimes, but I'm working on it. Even as I write this, I begin to think of my doubts. I'm worried about my job, my health, my loved ones, etc., but here I am, keeping on keeping on. I think I'm doing a pretty good job.

Sunday Naps

Hey there, Salem

I just put you down for your nap. We read the typical dinosaur books today, but I mixed in a story about a puppy on Christmas and another nostalgic book I found. You weren't totally asleep after the dinos and puppies, so I flipped through the pages of one of those photo album books your grandfather put together. This one was called 'Salem 2022', and it really got to me today. You're growing up so fast, my guy, and somehow writing helps me to feel like I'm capturing a moment before it slips away from me. 

You fell asleep on my shoulder while we were whispering names of dinosaurs, and for a few minutes I dozed off too. In those beautiful moments I feel like we are far away in outer space, or deep in the jungle somewhere. It's just the two of us, and time stands still for a little while. 

I've always loved the passing of time. I'm not overly sad about thinking of you as a bigger version of you, because you are growing and changing every day. I can feel it in the way you talk, and I can see it in the way you play at the playground. You're generous with other children, and you are so sweet to the shy kids. It seems like you have the most beautiful personality. You make friends so easily.

Yet, here I am in this gorgeous moment, just holding you on the side of my arm while you dream of dinosaurs and monster trucks. The world is a big happy place for you with lots of curious things around every corner. You're starting to ask multiple questions about things. You remember everything, even the name of your street and your city. I can see you beginning to realize that this world is much larger than you once imagined. Believe me, it only gets bigger and bigger from here!

I just wanted to pop in and write a few words to catch this beautiful Sunday afternoon nap while I struggle to begin grading papers (or whatever it is I do, lol). Your mom and I are so proud of you, and we love being your mommy and daddy. I'm here for you, my little guy, and I will always be a part of you just as you are a part of me, and just as we are all a part of everything. Your soul and my soul are deeply and closely connected. It feels like I've known you my whole life, but only met you about three years ago when you were about to be born. Gosh, I remember the first time I saw you, and even more so the first time I saw your eyes. You have the most beautiful dark eyes. 

It seems I'm rambling again, and I'm not even sure you will ever find this. But, when you do, just know that your daddy was very happy when he wrote this. Thank you for being my son. When you were up in that cosmic void, floating around with all the others, you chose me. I'll forever be grateful for that.

Love you, my son

Dad

Dinosaurs and Cars (and also Monster Jam)

Hi Salem,

This morning I asked you what your favorite toys were, and you said dinosaurs, cars, and also Monster Jam. Sometimes when you are playing with your toys you make these really creative scenes with Lego blocks and upside down cars like the ones you see in your videos on YouTube. It reminds me of when I was a kid. I used to tape cartoons and pause them during action scenes just to draw everything I saw with colored pencils. Sometimes I would make little houses out of Legos and imagine I was a shop keeper or a resident of a surreal landscape. 

You've got the best smile. You love to laugh and you also love to make us laugh. I can see it coming a mile away when you have a creative idea in your head. You get this cute little grin before saying things like, 'teeth are like a house for your tongue'. You love to read stories with me at night, and sometimes we make up our own stories. I'll never forget the time I had you cracking up laughing over a misreading of Dinosaur Days when you were up until almost midnight laughing about how funny it was. It's like food for my soul, and it makes me miss you dearly when you're away at Grandma and Pop Pop's house. 

I don't want to say things like, 'you're growing up so fast', because time is just a beautiful passing through the pages of the book of life. I'm getting older, but trying as hard as I can to stay healthy so we can always play together. I get scared about my health sometimes and even have freak outs over blood pressure and cholesterol, but I try very hard to take care of myself. You see, before you were around I never knew how important I was. I didn't really care what happened to me, but now I have something worth living for. I feel like we hit the jackpot with you because you light up our lives every day and keep us smiling always. This world is yours now, and I feel this need to teach you all that I know so you can grow up well. Again, that scares me so much because I never really knew what I was doing and all of a sudden I have the greatest responsibility imaginable in my hands.

I'll keep you safe. I'll always have ears for you if you want to talk, and I'll always have time to play with you. I'd like to start traveling more with you just to show you how beautiful this country is. Maybe sometime we can leave to travel internationally because that has always been my specialty. I wandered around the world many times over, but I've never had an adventure like this one that I share with you now. It's like a new beginning to a new book and you give me every reason to wake up in the morning.

I love you, son. I really love the person you are becoming, and I'm deeply proud of you. I miss your grandfather so much too. It breaks my heart to see you go through this, but things are getting better. You used to tell me you're sad and you even tried to leave one day. I know it's hard for you, it's hard for all of us, but we need each other. Stay strong, my son. Things will get easier.

Puppet Show

Hey Salem,

I'm in the garage waiting for a storm to come that never really showed up. You're at Grandma's right now playing with trucks and dinosaurs and all that. I'm having a moment and also having trouble coming up with the right words to describe it. It's great to watch you learn things, and you're doing so well at everything you do. 

I haven't written much since before your grandfather passed away. Today is actually two months, and it's been a whirlwind of emotions. I'm pretty good right now, I'll start there, but it's greatly due to playing with you and running. It has awoken something inside of me that makes me feel really good. I'm alone with my thoughts during that sacred time every morning, earlier than the birds, and I just run or walk for an hour. I'm making really good improvements in my routine. 

When I run I think about you all the time. You're so young but already so far on your journey. You do the most creative things for someone your age. I have this picture I took of you putting on a puppet show, and you're in the middle of acting as different characters. It's indescribable how much I love you and am amazed by you. I think you're wonderful. It's really awesome to be your dad.

I know you're going to stumble on these posts someday, so it makes me happy to write this to you. We have a lot of travelling to do together. It's been a beautiful journey so far!

The rain just started. Spring is coming to life. 

Making Cookies in Salem's House

Hey Salem,

You know how sometimes we make cookies in your little blanket house before bed? You take eggs, milk, flour and chocolate chips from a locked pantry and fridge (my hand), and mix them all together. Then we put them in the oven and read books while they bake. Somehow there are always actual cookies there when you come back to check on them.. 

;)

Lasagna

Remember that time I ran into Brad at Kroger, right in the middle of buying things to make me a lasagna?

Epilogue

My father-in-law was right when he told me this would not be a new chapter but rather a sequel. I like that analogy much better, but it has me wondering when one book officially ends and when another begins. 

Tomorrow we are meeting with my father's two sisters to share old photographs and make some plans for the memorial service next weekend. I think that will be the end of this book and next will come a new beginning.

That scares the shit out of me for some reason, but I've always welcomed the future with open arms.