Maybe We're Fishing

Hi there, Salem

I'm writing you this letter from my university which is located in the center of downtown Seattle. It's early morning and I'm the first one here, munching on an everything bagel from a tiny café around the corner.

You had a nightmare last night. I think you did, at least. About 2:00 in the morning, you woke up really scared about something, and I think it was because you had just watched that movie "Up" with Suboy, your friend from Vietnam. It wasn't the subject matter or anything like that, I just don't think you've been exposed to suspenseful things and ominous music, dogs with glowing eyes, and all that. Actually, this reminds me of one of my first memories which was of a scary scene in a Garfield cartoon where a panther with bright green glowing eyes was on the loose. But, you came to me when you were scared. You cuddled up with me and let me talk you back to sleep. When things like this happen, it makes me realize how lucky I am to be your dad. I never thought a person would love me like you do, and honestly that is the most intense feeling I've ever had. Pardon me for saying something so typical, but I think you'll understand this better one day if you ever choose to be a dad too.

You are the center of my world, but sometimes I get distracted. I get lost in this cycle of worry and anxiety about the future. I'm worried about my health, money, climate change, school shootings, good God.. I'm worried about everything. Yet, somehow a new day begins, and this perfect little boy wakes up next to me as we spend the last of our few days in Seattle together. 

Salem, you're going to make a lot of friends someday soon. Don't forget me, okay? I was your first best friend, and to me you will always be my sunny days. I love watching you grow up, but it does pain my heart sometimes. It's not that I want to hold on to each moment because that wouldn't be fair to you. You deserve to grow and live and love, but I get so worried you won't want to be my friend anymore. All I've ever wanted, since I've known you, is to live to be a very old man by a river somewhere and you still like me. Maybe we're fishing. We should probably start fishing soon. 

I just want you to know that I'm not perfect, but I will love you unconditionally forever. You've made my life complete, and it is now my life's purpose to see that this world is good enough for you and you are safe and never feel alone. 

It's a wild world out there, but it's yours now. It's so good to be here with you, my son. 

Flutes

It's July. The house is almost clean and it's currently 11:11. That's a good time to catch up with the thoughts in my head. I shaved Salem's head a few weeks ago, and he looks a lot older. He'll be four in about two months. I hope he reads this blog someday.

My cousin's husband died a few days ago. I think I've known him my whole life, and he's one of those cousins that is not blood-related but family anyway. He was only 58. My heart is broken for his family. 

That's the existential dread in me selfishly sneaking in. All I even want in life is to be an old man by a river somewhere and my son still likes me. Maybe we're fishing. I never really pursued fishing, but his fascination is always contagious. 

Sometimes we walk by the boats at the marina. Salem was on his first boat right to Mackinac Island a few weeks ago. His face lit up with a powerfully glowing glow. It made life beautiful for everyone around.

I wonder how long he'll love me the way he does now. It's really the only thing I think about sometimes, and maybe I'm just having issues with my own late father. It's easy to say that things are different for each generation, but those teenage years.. man.. they are coming, like it or not. 

Can I talk about me? I like flutes. Ocarinas mostly, although I put in a bid on a strange flute I found on eBay. It was misspelled and likely worth a lot more than it was listed. My son says that I make beautiful music. He told me he loves beautiful things and he loves nature.

Salem requested his first two actual songs for the first time a few days ago. I'm glad I remembered because I wanted to write it somewhere. They were both songs from an 80's Japanese Synthpop mix I found on Spotify. One was 'Stay With Me' and the other was also from that mix, but I've forgotten. I think it was 'Shyness Boy'. I love that name. He said that kind of music sounds like Pokémon. 

I finished Ocarina of Time and Link Between Worlds recently, but the first was by far the best game I've ever played. That kind of made me sad, especially towards the end when I realized I would never experience that game for the first time again. I'm a nerd. I love it.

We're going to Seattle in a few days, and I probably should have mentioned that earlier. I should go pack.