Discipline

Run.

Work out.

Write.

Paint.

Being an adult with a child means very little free time, very little you-time. The temptation to use that time to disappear into a couch is certainly there, but I can't live like that. 

Something inside of me is on fire this week. I was in Mexico almost every weekend for the last six weeks, and I haven't really gotten used to being home. When I was caught up in my travels, I promised myself that I would get back into shape (physically and mentally) when I was back home, and now I have a promise to keep. And, there are many secrets to discover when you're hyper-focused on something new while enjoying the temporary sense of 'honeymoon' during the initial phase. Things speak to me when I'm running. Something inside of me tells me to focus on how far I've run rather than how far I have left to go. Sometimes that's not true at all. Sometimes I focus on the half dozen arches covered in large Christmas lights at the end of the block a few streets over. That place has been the finishing line of several challenges I've made for myself.

I work out. I don't eat right, at least not for working out. So, I get tired. I need to fix that. I mostly eat rice and beans, rarely animal products of any kind unless I'm stuck in a situation at a diner and have to rely on an omelette or something. I don't understand bulking, and I'm really just trying to stay fit. I drink these potions made of turmeric, cayenne, and black pepper while trying my best to pump as much water as possible throughout the day. And, I pray. Quite often. I think you should too. 

I suppose this blog is now a far cry from the travelogue that it used to be. I've been away from Turkey for nine and a half years, and although I've spend a lot of time in Central America/the Caribbean since then, I didn't really document much of it. I felt like being off the radar for a while. I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and I was starting to realize that perhaps I squeezed a bit too much from life during my travels. That's something that very few people I've ever met would understand, but the ones who do understand it well. 

So, now I'm a middle-aged suburban dad who runs at night listening to house music. I love it. It's my me-time that I thought only existed in fairy tales. If I'm up for it, I'll work out in the garage immediately after. If the muses above me are smiling upon me, I'll paint a single picture after all of that or maybe even write in this blog a bit. I do all this after full days of grading papers, playing with my son, cooking, cleaning, meeting with students, changing oil, fixing the doorknob, calling teachers, pretending to be a dinosaur, pretending to be Dr. Grant, pretending to be Dr. Ian Malcolm (although Salem usually gets to be him). When all of that is said and done, I get to run for a while, work out, write, and paint before reading my son to sleep.

As I go about my day, my brain is no longer thinking about other countries or world travel, but rather it's focused on an email I'm expecting, an appointment I have coming up, a hassle with the insurance company, my son's schooling, finances, all that. So, I find myself praying and giving thanks. I pray that my mind finds some peace and I can get back to the important things in life like playing SpaceTank or taking my son to the dinosaur museum. You know what? It works. 

Have you ever seen Office Space? I'm sure you have. You know that scene where Peter is being hypnotized and his therapist drops dead before snapping him out of a state of pure bliss? That scene has been staying with me lately, and I think about it from time to time. Sometimes I'll be on the phone trying to sort my way through a health insurance issue or something, and I'll start to get all worked up. Then I remember that it's possible to feel the relief of not caring even before the issue is resolved. I just drop my shoulders, take a deep breath, and sort of space out into my own little world. I've watched that movie about five times in the last two months, always on flights. It spoke to me for some reason during my several recent work trips.

So, that's my life these days, and I am focusing on the path of discipline. It's done me well in the past back when I was struggling through college just to pass basic math courses or Spanish. Funny, I excel at both of those now. I just drop my worries and focus on becoming better. I guess that's all I can do. I want to be a better dad. I want to be a better person, and I hope I'm doing alright because I don't really have the option not to.