Duygu

Hello blog,

It's a Tuesday in late August. My son is away at his grandmother's house and my wife is somewhere doing something. I'm here. I'm in a weird way. Too much live resin today, maybe. I'm not myself. Sometimes writing helps.

I want to escape from social media. There was a time about fifteen years ago when I dropped my phone in the water, and suddenly I was free from the very basic burden of text messages. Now look. It's insane how much time I spend doing bullshit on my phone. 

I need something. I get excited about stuff for a little while and put my all into it. Then it kind of fizzles away and I go back to soul searching. I'm always soul searching. What does that mean anyway? Are we looking for souls or searching from within our souls? 

I'm just trying to see some beautiful things.

Maybe I've been spoiled.

Does anybody still read this? I'd imagine one or two travel friends are still lingering around out there also hiding from social media. What keeps you going? Are you still wandering around the world like you were when I met you? 

Maybe We're Fishing

Hi there, Salem

I'm writing you this letter from my university which is located in the center of downtown Seattle. It's early morning and I'm the first one here, munching on an everything bagel from a tiny café around the corner.

You had a nightmare last night. I think you did, at least. About 2:00 in the morning, you woke up really scared about something, and I think it was because you had just watched that movie "Up" with Suboy, your friend from Vietnam. It wasn't the subject matter or anything like that, I just don't think you've been exposed to suspenseful things and ominous music, dogs with glowing eyes, and all that. Actually, this reminds me of one of my first memories which was of a scary scene in a Garfield cartoon where a panther with bright green glowing eyes was on the loose. But, you came to me when you were scared. You cuddled up with me and let me talk you back to sleep. When things like this happen, it makes me realize how lucky I am to be your dad. I never thought a person would love me like you do, and honestly that is the most intense feeling I've ever had. Pardon me for saying something so typical, but I think you'll understand this better one day if you ever choose to be a dad too.

You are the center of my world, but sometimes I get distracted. I get lost in this cycle of worry and anxiety about the future. I'm worried about my health, money, climate change, school shootings, good God.. I'm worried about everything. Yet, somehow a new day begins, and this perfect little boy wakes up next to me as we spend the last of our few days in Seattle together. 

Salem, you're going to make a lot of friends someday soon. Don't forget me, okay? I was your first best friend, and to me you will always be my sunny days. I love watching you grow up, but it does pain my heart sometimes. It's not that I want to hold on to each moment because that wouldn't be fair to you. You deserve to grow and live and love, but I get so worried you won't want to be my friend anymore. All I've ever wanted, since I've known you, is to live to be a very old man by a river somewhere and you still like me. Maybe we're fishing. We should probably start fishing soon. 

I just want you to know that I'm not perfect, but I will love you unconditionally forever. You've made my life complete, and it is now my life's purpose to see that this world is good enough for you and you are safe and never feel alone. 

It's a wild world out there, but it's yours now. It's so good to be here with you, my son. 

Flutes

It's July. The house is almost clean and it's currently 11:11. That's a good time to catch up with the thoughts in my head. I shaved Salem's head a few weeks ago, and he looks a lot older. He'll be four in about two months. I hope he reads this blog someday.

My cousin's husband died a few days ago. I think I've known him my whole life, and he's one of those cousins that is not blood-related but family anyway. He was only 58. My heart is broken for his family. 

That's the existential dread in me selfishly sneaking in. All I even want in life is to be an old man by a river somewhere and my son still likes me. Maybe we're fishing. I never really pursued fishing, but his fascination is always contagious. 

Sometimes we walk by the boats at the marina. Salem was on his first boat right to Mackinac Island a few weeks ago. His face lit up with a powerfully glowing glow. It made life beautiful for everyone around.

I wonder how long he'll love me the way he does now. It's really the only thing I think about sometimes, and maybe I'm just having issues with my own late father. It's easy to say that things are different for each generation, but those teenage years.. man.. they are coming, like it or not. 

Can I talk about me? I like flutes. Ocarinas mostly, although I put in a bid on a strange flute I found on eBay. It was misspelled and likely worth a lot more than it was listed. My son says that I make beautiful music. He told me he loves beautiful things and he loves nature.

Salem requested his first two actual songs for the first time a few days ago. I'm glad I remembered because I wanted to write it somewhere. They were both songs from an 80's Japanese Synthpop mix I found on Spotify. One was 'Stay With Me' and the other was also from that mix, but I've forgotten. I think it was 'Shyness Boy'. I love that name. He said that kind of music sounds like Pokémon. 

I finished Ocarina of Time and Link Between Worlds recently, but the first was by far the best game I've ever played. That kind of made me sad, especially towards the end when I realized I would never experience that game for the first time again. I'm a nerd. I love it.

We're going to Seattle in a few days, and I probably should have mentioned that earlier. I should go pack.

Dudas

I'm not really in any frame of mind to be writing right now, but something tells me that I have a lot to discuss with myself. 

It's early in the morning, but I've already been up for about an hour. I'm wrapped in a purple blanket, sitting on the living room couch in way that will later hurt my neck, and directly to my left a beautiful morning window is blocked by a stuffed Dragon Quest slime toy. Brad and Andy were over last night. Dan was over earlier. Salem and I have been playing SpaceTank (best game ever), and I'm currently waiting for him to wake up so we can play all day. I'm going to Mexico this week.

Let me check in how I've been feeling. I have no idea how I've been feeling. That's what happens when your kid is old enough, you actually have to schedule time to sit back and think for a while. I feel like I used to be in a constant state of self-thought, but to me it feels rare and selfish to even check in on myself. 

I'm writing this like I'm having a hard time, but I'm actually quite peaceful today. I'm just a little lost again, and 'lost' has basically been the theme of these two blogs I started some 16 years ago. But, writing makes me appreciate being lost, and part of me feels like a platform like this is what I need to escape the dredge of social media. I'm tired of it. I feel like it is holding me captive and stealing my attention from any actual inspiration. 

What was I talking about? I'm at a wild crossroads, and I've only told a few people. I have a certain amazing opportunity cooking (two of them, now that I think about it) that would allow my family to travel together, even internationally, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have my doubts about it. Those doubts aren't the typical fears for safety and money or whatever, but rather doubts that my son would actually be gaining anything from it that is worth being away from home for so long. 

I feel like 29 year-old Chris would have never once looked away from an opportunity or blessing like this, but that guy had never experience loss like I did last year. That is certainly a variable, and I don't talk enough about how much that affected my desire to grow anymore. It messed me up a bit to watch my dad go.

I think I used up all of my writing time for now. More on this later. I feels good to write again.

CETYS, Mexicali

 

Totoro Wind

There was a time when this was my only outlet for social media. I kind of miss those days, and from time to time I consider going back to those simpler ways. This entry was preceded by about thirty five minutes of staring at my phone. 

Things are good though. It's almost a bit strange to be writing when things are so well and fine, but something was pulling me to open up my computer and write today. 

It's a beautiful day. Somehow it's about 61 degrees outside even though its still early February. Life has been cozy lately. I don't work too hard. I try to live well and I've made some sort of peace with myself. 

Now I want to make something.

(A massive wind passes by immediately after writing that.)

I feel like I have all of the tools and enough training to get the job done. I have a million ideas and I'm wide awake. Normally I'd be living a stinky and adventurous lifestyle of a free-spirited artist, but a few years ago I assumed the role of father. I love and cherish this role, and its importance is what has been channeling my energy away from my own creative pursuits. 

More simply put, I'm giving all my energy to my son and I don't regret it one bit. But, I'm finding myself a bit lacking in personal growth lately and I'm not sure how to go about it without sacrificing time with my family. 

Frankly, I do a lot around here too. 

Let it be known that I'm happy. I'm extremely happy, but also thirsty. You can be both. 

February

Sometimes I think I'm doing it wrong. I'm wasting time. I'm not cherishing each passing moment. My son is growing up just as fast as they said he would and I'm lost in my own world half of the time. I just wanted to write that down somewhere because it's a challenge for me. I love the passing of time and I love watching my son grow, but every so often there are these very, very special moments where time seems to stop. Just an hour ago I was putting him to bed and I left a few minutes too early. He called for me, "Daddy", and he usually calls for Mom. So, I went back to cuddle up with him for a little while longer, and suddenly I felt like everything was still. I had nothing on my mind. I was at peace and I didn't want to be anywhere else in the world. I've never felt that so strongly before, and every single day I'm afraid to lose it. Only parents would truly understand that.