Monday, July 6, 2015

adventures of the bonobo 2

everything in between

i watched the sunset today on my slow drive home from a friend's house.  it was big and red and fiery and all down the street i caught the eyes of michigan's summer folk taking in its beauty.  it made me sad for some reason, actually many strange things make me sad and i'm not sure why.  i started thinking about life and how temporary our stay on this planet is and i realized that one day i'll be gone.  i'll have moved far away to some strange new place and i'll only be a memory here in this beautiful place where i'm from.  in deeper and darker terms i'll die one day as will all living things and after time even the last memories of me will have faded from existence save a few photos and records of my birth.  i'm not upset about it as i'm quite sure that all people face their own transience one way or another.  i started thinking about what matters most to us people and without a doubt there is nothing greater than love.

maybe i'm lonely.  that's cool.  i'm an only child who grew up in his own imagination and loneliness is something i'm used to.  it makes me creative and introspective.  in so many times in my travels i find myself being silent for days in the company of animals and nature taken aback by the overwhelming beauty of this world which i've been lucky enough to explore.  yet we wanderers choose the lonelier path, as i've been told.

as i drive slowly home where a bag of tortilla chips and locally produced salsa awaits me i start thinking about the future.  i'm alone, fuck it, i'm on a mission and i know it.  this loneliness started giving me ideas about travel.  i know i'm to soon head towards central america, costa rica specifically, yet i hadn't thought much about how i'm to get there.  the easy way would require a 300 dollar plane ticket in which i'd suddenly pop into my location and that seems fine, perhaps that is the likely method of transportation but what about something a little more adventurous.  maybe i'll hit the open road from here and travel by land.  maybe i should see some of this great country which i've so eagerly been in a hurry to leave.  maybe i'll head towards louisiana to visit one of my favorite north american cities which i've never even been to.  maybe i'll get to florida and travel by ship, actually i really have no idea.  it is in this uncertainty that i again find happiness.  i'm bigger than loneliness and sadness.

i'm not so sure i deserve love or am capable of it.  i came really close in this last few years but the universe favors nobody and it was taken from me.  i wasn't sure what to do so i came back to my hometown and blah blah blah it doesn't really matter.  what do i do?  i'm lost and down but not out.  i take to the marina and find a mindless job cleaning boats so i can save money and listen to the insanity in my head.. which slowly comes to pass and i replace it with podcasts in spanish.  the spanish takes me over and i reignite an interest in central america.. then i decide that's where i must be.  i'm strong, hurt yet strong.  i'll find love again, maybe.  maybe i'll wander around on my own forever but whatever happens to me i want it to be known that i loved this world with all of my heart and it is in this love that i find a deeper meaning to life.. i don't only see the sunset i see the entire world shining back at me in the reflection of a great ball of energy which gives us life.