Dudas

I'm not really in any frame of mind to be writing right now, but something tells me that I have a lot to discuss with myself. 

It's early in the morning, but I've already been up for about an hour. I'm wrapped in a purple blanket, sitting on the living room couch in way that will later hurt my neck, and directly to my left a beautiful morning window is blocked by a stuffed Dragon Quest slime toy. Brad and Andy were over last night. Dan was over earlier. Salem and I have been playing SpaceTank (best game ever), and I'm currently waiting for him to wake up so we can play all day. I'm going to Mexico this week.

Let me check in how I've been feeling. I have no idea how I've been feeling. That's what happens when your kid is old enough, you actually have to schedule time to sit back and think for a while. I feel like I used to be in a constant state of self-thought, but to me it feels rare and selfish to even check in on myself. 

I'm writing this like I'm having a hard time, but I'm actually quite peaceful today. I'm just a little lost again, and 'lost' has basically been the theme of these two blogs I started some 16 years ago. But, writing makes me appreciate being lost, and part of me feels like a platform like this is what I need to escape the dredge of social media. I'm tired of it. I feel like it is holding me captive and stealing my attention from any actual inspiration. 

What was I talking about? I'm at a wild crossroads, and I've only told a few people. I have a certain amazing opportunity cooking (two of them, now that I think about it) that would allow my family to travel together, even internationally, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have my doubts about it. Those doubts aren't the typical fears for safety and money or whatever, but rather doubts that my son would actually be gaining anything from it that is worth being away from home for so long. 

I feel like 29 year-old Chris would have never once looked away from an opportunity or blessing like this, but that guy had never experience loss like I did last year. That is certainly a variable, and I don't talk enough about how much that affected my desire to grow anymore. It messed me up a bit to watch my dad go.

I think I used up all of my writing time for now. More on this later. I feels good to write again.

CETYS, Mexicali

 

Totoro Wind

There was a time when this was my only outlet for social media. I kind of miss those days, and from time to time I consider going back to those simpler ways. This entry was preceded by about thirty five minutes of staring at my phone. 

Things are good though. It's almost a bit strange to be writing when things are so well and fine, but something was pulling me to open up my computer and write today. 

It's a beautiful day. Somehow it's about 61 degrees outside even though its still early February. Life has been cozy lately. I don't work too hard. I try to live well and I've made some sort of peace with myself. 

Now I want to make something.

(A massive wind passes by immediately after writing that.)

I feel like I have all of the tools and enough training to get the job done. I have a million ideas and I'm wide awake. Normally I'd be living a stinky and adventurous lifestyle of a free-spirited artist, but a few years ago I assumed the role of father. I love and cherish this role, and its importance is what has been channeling my energy away from my own creative pursuits. 

More simply put, I'm giving all my energy to my son and I don't regret it one bit. But, I'm finding myself a bit lacking in personal growth lately and I'm not sure how to go about it without sacrificing time with my family. 

Frankly, I do a lot around here too. 

Let it be known that I'm happy. I'm extremely happy, but also thirsty. You can be both. 

February

Sometimes I think I'm doing it wrong. I'm wasting time. I'm not cherishing each passing moment. My son is growing up just as fast as they said he would and I'm lost in my own world half of the time. I just wanted to write that down somewhere because it's a challenge for me. I love the passing of time and I love watching my son grow, but every so often there are these very, very special moments where time seems to stop. Just an hour ago I was putting him to bed and I left a few minutes too early. He called for me, "Daddy", and he usually calls for Mom. So, I went back to cuddle up with him for a little while longer, and suddenly I felt like everything was still. I had nothing on my mind. I was at peace and I didn't want to be anywhere else in the world. I've never felt that so strongly before, and every single day I'm afraid to lose it. Only parents would truly understand that.

Chassis

Hey Salem,

You're staying the night at Grandma Rhoda's house and it seems like you guys are having a great time. These days you have a sudden fascination with monster truck chassis (specifically). You're into dinos as much as always, and you are deeply excited about Legos. You build your own chassis out of flat Duplo pieces, and sometimes we build different kinds of houses and buildings out of different magnetic shapes from this really cool set you have. You even built a gulag for army men, which was fantastically entertaining. You run around the house like a wild dinosaur every night, and just writing this is making me miss you so much. I love playing games with you, dude. Do you even realize what a joy you've brought to my life? Maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit down today, because when you are away it feels like a piece of me is missing. I know I'm being silly, but it's true. Ever since you've been around my life has been a lot different. I feel like I'm seeing the world all over again from your eyes, and I lose myself to my own imagination when we play games together. 

I'm so happy, it scares me.

So far, 2024:

• Chicago.
• Chicago-Colorado-Chicago.
• Virginia Beach
• Michigan stuff
• Grand Canyon.

Time shall tell..

There is a new plastic bag in the tree in my backyard.

I don't know why I chose this moment to write. I'm frantic and weird about something, doing that thing where I pace back and forth between two or three rooms of my small house, freezing in place in each room as if I have no idea how I got there. It's true. I've been randomly doing this for years, and it often precedes something big. What's getting me? Let it out. Don't proofread. My mom guilted me about something earlier today. A friend didn't write me back twice. My son is better than I deserve. It's blue outside, but a pretty kind of blue. It matches my living room walls somehow. There is fluffy snow on the ground. The anniversary of my father's death is coming up. I'm going to Mexico soon with little to no preparation. I haven't dreamed in a long time. I'm uninspired. It feels like it has always been winter. Writing this helps somehow. 

There is a new plastic bag in the tree in my backyard.

First Day of School

It happened. Even though I swore I wouldn't get sad, it suddenly hit me that my son is going to start school in a few days. Today felt like a blur. 

His world is so little. The bigger his world gets, the less control I have. I will learn to accept that.

That little plastic bag that has haunted my tree for so long is nearly gone.