Alien

I need to write down how I feel right now. Maybe you get me.

I'm lonely. I miss my kid. Yet, I'm deeply proud of this amazing opportunity to work with brilliant young people here in Mexico. A student told me recently that no other professor has ever sat and talked with them, nor remembered their name. It broke my heart a bit because everyone should have somebody to talk to.

Are humans naturally lonely people? Do they seek connections with others to validate their own meaning? Do they hurt others to satisfy the stinging burn of their own pain?

Ever feel like an alien? I've spent four decades and traveled to dozens of countries trying to figure out human beings, but I'm no closer than I was when I felt terrified in first grade. I smile a lot, and everyone thinks I'm happy all the time. I'm horrified of people, and just trying to navigate this weird planet is a heavy task sometimes. I have a job to do, and I'm going to raise my son with love and light.

I think I'll go for a walk.

October 24, 2023

I was going to begin this post from a fancy hotel room somewhere in central Mexico, but this jazz music is so inviting to my mind. 

A full day's headache to prepare for a five day journey. I feel like I used to take less time to pack for four months. 

I'm no longer a backpacker. I have a special bag for my work shoes. They are pointy in the toes. That's weird that this is happening to me.

These work trips make me feel like a secret agent. I've always wanted to take work trips. 

I can't believe I'm a professor now. 

The older I get, the less I have any clue how to read people. I haven't the slightest idea how others perceive me. 

It's Fall Now

Hey Salem,

It's fall now. Your mom is working at an event nearby and you are sound asleep on one of your famous naps. You pulled me down with you for about twenty minutes. I'm still in dreamland. I love these days when it's just the two of us. I like when all of us are together, but there is something special about being alone with you. I don't know how I got to be so blessed that I can work from home and spend lots of time with you. I don't know a lot of things.

When you turned three, it was as if you became this new person over night. You had a riot at your party, and when I recently asked you what was the happiest you have ever been, you said it was at your birthday party. You want some buddies, and I'm trying hard to find them for you. You're starting school in January. I'm so happy for you. 

Salem, your dad is a complicated person, even though he likes to believe in his own simplicity. He has a hard time navigating this world sometimes, and he made up a way that works for him. I guess he would want the same for you, and he is.. I am.. very proud of you for the person you have become so far. This world scares your father sometimes, and at certain points of his life he wasn't so sure if there would ever be a light in his world. That's when he met your mommy all over again, and that's when we all got to meet you. Our lives have never been the same since you've been around, and we are trying every day to become better people for you. 

We're only human. That's one of the unspoken mottos of this house because we all know what it's like to feel overwhelmed. Your mother and I don't believe in 50/50, but sometimes 80/20. That means we understand when the other isn't feeling their best, and we know this is a safe place to ask for a little help. I love you, my boy. I'll keep you safe.

~~~~~

It's fall now, as I've said. This is my favorite time of year.  I feel so creatively reborn, and I deeply wish for this feeling to last me through the winter, hopefully for a long time. I haven't felt this way in so long. It's my job to teach this feeling to my son, and show him how to embrace his own creative freedom. I'll be in Mexico soon. I love my job. I still can't believe this is all real.