From here on, here on, here on out

It's about noon on a Thursday in late December, and I'm sitting at the same spot I used to write in this same blog many, many years ago. I'm alone at my parents house as they are currently in the hospital for a health situation with my father. 

My parents' house always smells familiar to me. They have these really well lit bathrooms with mirrors that show your face in a warmer light than usual. It feels comforting, and I've been looking into those same mirrors for a long time. I've grown up a lot, and that's evident by looking back through the many years I have documented in this blog. I'm a father now, and that is something which a former me could never have seen coming.

Something familiar.. it's not just the smell, it's the way the walls reach the corners of the doorway down the only hallway in my house. It's a ghostly passage upon which my grandmother used to slowly carry her walker on her way to Thanksgiving dinner. She used to slurp turkey necks, and I'm sure it was something she took with her from the days of the Depression. We have a picture of my father's father's family which shows our history as Italian-American immigrants. It's across from a picture of Jesus welcoming somebody into heaven with open arms. On that same picture there is a photo of my grandmother, the ones they pass out at funerals with a short prayer.

I didn't leave this house until I was about twenty years old. I took classes at a community college for the first two years following high school, so my history of this house extends a little longer than it would have otherwise. 

Then one day I packed my things and moved to Detroit.

Then one day I came back home, completely alone, worried about my father.

I remember when I first left Turkey to move back to the USA. Gosh.. I'm listening to a song right now that takes me right back to those days. It's called 'Last Life', and it screams to me sometimes. I never saw any of this coming. I have a son now. I'm married now, and I'm a professor. I have a deep and looming feeling that I've been mistaken for somebody else, and these blessings are not supposed to be mine to enjoy. It's called imposter syndrome, and it is always sneaking up on me.

Sometimes I feel forgotten. I'm not really upset about it though, I just feel left behind. I guess that's just an inevitability of life, or maybe I'm simply adjusting to the conclusion of my days of being young and cute. It's not about me any more. I don't want anything. I don't need anything else. I only need my family and a little bit of faith that we are here for a reason. I don't even need a reason to be here; I found that reason on September 14, 2020. 

And so, here I am, a relatively new father who is watching his own father turn into an old man. His grandson loves him so much, and in that love I see a sparkle of hope in grandpa's eyes. 

Boys' Weekend

 Hey dude, (you're sitting right next to me watching cartoons!)

It was just the boys this weekend. Mommy was in New Orleans, so you and I were home alone. It was so much fun! We stayed up late and inlet you have pepperonis and French fries for dinner. We played with Hot Wheels and I took you to get some new toys. You wanted nothing to do with these burritos from Taco Bell. I guess you and me are all the beefy burritos you need :D

I love you dude. These are my favorite days, spending my time watching you play and learn. You're so kind to other children too. I'm so proud of you for that. I even watched you help a little girl cross the bridge at the playground one time earlier this summer. 

Back to dinosaurs and volcanos. 

Beefy Burritos

 

Just you and me this weekend, Salem. 

Let's play beefy burritos!

Laser Robots!

 

Stars

Today was a gloomy day for me at first, but then we played with glow-in-the-dark stars and it became one of my favorite days ever. 

Home is wherever I'm with you

Hi Salem,

There's been so much going on lately that I had to take a minute to write to you (who is reading this far in the future. I hope it's a beautiful place there and then). I'm growing professionally and finding better ways to improve myself in the academic world. I hope you think that's cool someday. For a long time, your dad was a teacher who traveled around the world teaching people English. However, he went a different path for a short while and it wasn't until earlier this year that he found his passion again.

I feel that this is settled now and I can officially begin to live in the present a bit more. Sometimes I struggle with that. I watch you change and grow every day, and I know that time is just flying by like leaves blowing in the wind, but I am here and this is now and there is nothing else that I am more certain of. When I am conscious of "when" I am, then I can become more conscious of "where" I am, and I know exactly where I am when I'm with you. I'm home.

Your mother and I used to travel extensively. We've both spent time abroad and your father used to live in several different countries. We've often wondered what it would be like when you came around, and I was very shocked by what happened. You see, the moment you were born I felt this sudden rebirth in my own life. It seemed like nothing before that moment had ever even mattered. Just 'poof!', a cloud in the distance. My travels were like stories that I read in books, somehow not truly my own experiences. My real story began the day you came into this world, and now it feels like I am seeing everything for the first time.

So, because of this we travel slowly, and we are starting from the beginning. We go on adventures that are in our home state, or even stay at hotels with pools where you run wildly down the oddly-carpeted hallways. It's actually tons of fun, and I love watching you see things through your new and beautiful eyes. If everything goes well, I'd love to take you out west next year and show you how vastly dynamic this country can be.

Salem, I'm just really happy and grateful to be your dad. Thank you for being my little boy. I love these years with you and even though I know life is just an adventure, it has no sense of home without you. You are my everything and I hope one day you realize just how much you've done for me.

Your first travel buddy,

Dad

Bobcat!

Hi Salem,

I have no idea where this started, but for some reason we have this thing in our house where one person calls 'bobcat!' and everyone else yells back 'bobcat!' in return. I don't know who came up with it, but it's super cute when you call us the three bobcats. This might not last forever, so I had to write it down.

Your dad loves you so much

T-Rex

Good morning, Salem I found a little bit of time to write before leaving on a flight to Seattle today. It's crazy how free time is such a luxury these day, but even as it becomes available to me, my thoughts immediately turn to my beautiful son. I miss you already, and I won't see you for a few days. It's so much fun being your dad. 

Anyway, I was thinking about something this morning, and I had to make sure that I wrote it down. I guess I wanted you to know that as a dad I've learned a lot of lessons, but one has stuck out in my mind the most. Before you become a dad you have this belief that you will have everything figured out by the time you have kids. You just assume that everything will have resolved itself somehow, but I have learned that this might be impossible in even a lifetime. There are simply things I'll never understand, and it scares me to think that I might fail at my responsibility to protect you from the scary things. 

I'm looking at your dinosaur toys next to the screen and it reminds me of how brave you are. You were once afraid of T-Rex, but it didn't last long at all. In fact, you quickly became excited to face your fears with that terrible lizard. Now you guys are friends, and you play together all the time. 

I'm trying to do the same in my life, but the moment you came into this world I became aware of how many fears I've never faced before. I really just wanted to let you know that my journey seems to have just begun, and it's with gratitude I am sharing this new journey with you. I'll try my best to face those terrible lizards in my life, but I know I'll be fine because I have a really good son to inspire and teach me.

My Hobbit

Happy Halloween Salem!

So, just two short days ago you got to see your first real Halloween. Last year was a bit slow because of COVID and all that, but this year was truly something special. I loved watching your face light up to see all the costumes, especially the dinosaurs, as they came passing by our house. We went trick-or-treating too and it was really fun!

I wanted to take a minute from this day (any given Wednesday) and just say 'hi' to you. You're growing so fast, my guy. I can't even keep track of how quickly you're learning to speak in full sentences. I thought I'd be able to grab hold of these things and document all of it, but you're faster than I can keep up with! I'm so proud of you, my sweet boy. You really make this journey awesome.

Salem, your dad used to wander all around the world. When I look back on this now it seems like a story, but this is a story that I would like to share with you. There are certain things I'm good at and others which I am not, but one thing I have learned well is how to travel. The world is an endlessly interesting place, and to my mom (your grandmother) it was like a big unknown place that kept her worried about me day and night. I feel that now, but I promise I'll be supportive if you ever feel the need to travel very far away. Even though the thought of being away from you pains my heart, I know that one day you'll need to find you're own way through this world, and I want you to know you will always have my love and support to take with you wherever you may go.

Sometimes I think back on my life and realize that I've been a lot of different people. This guy who you get to know now is, in many ways, very different than a person he used to be. I have learned a lot, but it seems like the more I learn, the more I realize how much more there is to take in from this worldly experience called life. I mean, I can't lie to you.. I found exactly what I was looking for in this life the moment you were born. I knew deep inside myself that this was the happiest I would ever feel, and to this day I have never changed that level of happiness one bit. I wake up every day excited to be part of your world, and every night before we fall asleep I whisper to myself a few words of thanks. I hope you learn that gratitude one day, and I hope you never forget where it comes from. 

I love you dude,

Dad

I Can Do It

Hi Salem,

It's cold in this garage. The fall always feels mysterious to me, and today was especially surreal for some reason. I was driving home from dropping you off at your grandparents' house when I decided to pull over and listen to some music while staring at the colorful leaves. It was a song called Roads by Portishead. Maybe you can hunt it down someday. That song is something else. 

I was thinking of you while I was driving the long way home. A few nights ago we were laying in your bed reading an Eric Carle book that repeatedly asked the question, "can you do it?" You learned quickly how to shout back "I can do it!", and ever since then you have been carrying yourself a little differently. You help me make smoothies and French toast every morning, but now you're starting to be able to do most of it on your own with little help. You name the missing ingredients and give me instructions to assist you. 

By the time you are reading this it won't seem like something huge to you. You'll be big and doing all kinds of big kid things. But, from your dad's perspective this was really special to see you carry yourself so proudly with independence. This world is yours, my sweet little boy, and all I can promise from myself is to try my hardest to show you love and patience. Those are the only things you need to begin any journey, I hope you remember that. If you love doing something enough, it will eventually reward you for your patience and dedication. You can do it, of course you can do it!

Love,

Dad

Guitars and Treasure Maps

Hey Salem,

You're away at the moment and I am starting to miss you a bit. I always miss you when you're gone, but sometimes it helps to dream up all of the things we can do together someday. Right now you are on a wild learning streak, and it seems like every single day you are coming up with new words. You can count to ten quickly, and I hear it when you're excitedly counting the wheels on the trucks of your cool new blanket on your cool new bed. I love that bed and I love watching the lights on the ceiling from your little projector. Sometimes we just make shadows with the flashlight from my phone and tell stories about animals we haven't seen yet.

So, today has me thinking about something creative and I'm sure this is just an overflow of the sudden rush of musical inspiration I have been feeling lately. It's strange how music and art come in waves to me. Admittedly, I was ignoring those inspiring calls of creativity, but it's all coming back to me. I was on fire today. I want to share that fire with you, and I am always wondering to myself how to do that while respecting your own personal interests. You see Salem, I'll love and support you no matter what you are into. I know what I'm into and I know what inspires me, but I always am very aware that everybody feels inspiration in different ways. Maybe you're a sports guy, or a writer, or maybe something I haven't ever dreamed of. Whatever it is, I will be here for you and try my best to help you grow in your creative pursuits. 

Sometimes we feel no creativity at all, and it is up to us to be mindful that this is always temporary. This is our time for observation and learning. It took me a long time to understand that, so be patient with yourself. 

Gosh, I wonder what you'll be like in the coming years. I will never rush the time, but I have always been comfortable with its passing. We're just temporary things, just like our creativity. Yet, life is an artform and we are given some very beautiful colors to work with. Maybe you'll think stuff like that is silly to say. Maybe you'll think dad is lame. I'm okay with that. Dads are lame. But dads are only dads because of their children and I am so deeply happy with nothing else in this world quite like I am being your dad. 

Go out there and get yours from this world. I mean, it's not your time yet. You're so young still, but you have that spark of adventure in your eyes. I can see it every time you get that look on your face before running off when we are playing at the park. But, you're also so loving, and I can see that clearly when you show endless kindness to everybody you meet. My God that makes me so proud of you, Salem. I love everything you're becoming.

I admire you dude,

Dad

Carpathia Park

Hi Salem,

It's a gorgeous day. The leaves on the trees are showing their true colors, and right on time. You're currently at the playground by my old elementary school spending time with Grandma, and it suddenly makes me excited just writing those words. That place brings back a lot of memories, so pardon me while I indulge in some nostalgia.

When I was growing up, that place used to have a different playground. It was in the same spot but it was made of aging wood that kind made it look like a heavily-weathered fortress. My friends and I used to run our imaginations wild near that fortress pretending that we were various characters from video games. We had imaginary swords and powerful fireballs that protected us from all kinds of bad guys. Our bikes were like airships, dragons, or other legendary vehicles that could carry you from town to town and across the seas through a far-off land of fantasies. We used to come up with names for our characters and score their hit points, magic and other stats that we would use to battle enormous and terrifying monsters as final bosses. 

It makes me smile so happily to think of you swinging on the swings at that playground like Grandma described over the phone. Will you see anything like that in your mind's eye when you remember growing up? Will you even remember this day? Probably not in the detail your grandmother will, but I'm sure that somewhere in there you will know that the entire world is a lot more fun with a vivid imagination. I mean, that's just my perspective of it, and I'm totally aware that others don't see the world with the same desire to dabble in fantasy. I'm just happy that you're there right now, and I can't wait to see you when you come home. 

Love,

Dad

 

Donkey Kong Junior

Hi Salem,

I'm writing this from my garage, which we have been calling the 'garcade' because that's where daddy has been building a small arcade. It's where I go to exercise, tinker with old gadgets, hang out with friends and listen to weird music. Really, it's just a place where I go to think, and in between a few moments of me-time I stumble upon these thoughts which I've never had a chance to sort through. This might be a strange letter, but follow me (your dad is a mystical dude).

You're two years-old now and slowly sneaking upon those days when you'll begin remembering your experiences in the world around you more clearly. You are currently on learning overdrive, and your mother and I feel like we are watching real magic when we see you put your thoughts together and make connections. You're talking so much now, and I just want it to be remembered that your longest sentences are usually song lyrics, especially the ones about monster trucks.

You might not be remembering each day in the same way adults do, but you're absorbing everything constantly. It's my job to make sure you are soaking up the best of the world around you while patiently exposing you to the not-so-pretty side of the world, a side we have yet to talk about. God it breaks my heart to ever think of that side of the world getting the best of you. I'm trying really hard not to worry, but this parenting thing is real and there is so much that is possible in one lifetime. I trust the winds and I believe in the good things coming. I also believe that you are the best thing that has ever happened to my world and I know the rest of the Earth will find you to be incredible like I do everyday.

Here's something fun that I like to muse myself with. You're two. When I was exactly your age it was March, 1984. I don't remember that month very clearly, but I do feel the excitement of learning about that time and listening to its music. I'm a little lost for new music these days, but I can tell you that your mother and I tried our best to bring you up with the classics much like we were raised. You and I dance in the kitchen just like I did with my mother, and countless photos have emerged proving that we have been doing this for many generations. 

Your father's family has a lot going on, and I could only imagine what I'll be able to remember to pass on to you. There are so many great stories, but also great memories. They feel like portals, and when I really concentrate I can transport myself back just for a split second to when I was little like you. I hope you're enjoying this ride Salem, I know we are!

-Dad

Side Quests

 Hi Salem,

You're at Grandma and Pop-Pop's right now with Uncle Jimmy. About a month or so ago we 

started putting your car seat facing forward, and that opened up a whole new world for you 

and I. Driving around with you is so much fun, and something happened today that I want to 

remember. 

When we were getting ready to leave this morning, you started saying things like, "what is this?", 

and "I can do this". You're beginning to put sentences together and it makes me so excited to be 

able to talk with you soon in much more detail. 

I'm a language teacher. I hope that I don't annoy you with my stories, or that I don't exaggerate 

too much about things that you were there to see. My point is that I'm completely changing into this 

dad-person every day, and just like you I'm growing and learning constantly. 

I'm not perfect, and that's okay, but I do have a few fears. I worry sometimes that you and I won't be 

buddies in the future. Sometimes fathers and sons get on weird, and I'm pretty guilty of being a 

strange person. But, I promise you that you will always be the shining light of my heart, and everything 

I say or do is out of awe that you are my son. You are my proudest moments and my most grateful of 

days. Let's just stay buddies, okay? 

So, you have this light-up thing that your Aunt Becca gave you. It makes rocket ships, star, planets 

and space objects float through your ceiling and bedroom walls at night. We lay in your bed every 

night and stare at the celestial shapes passing before us, and it's probably one of my most cherished 

moments of all time. 

See those stars, Salem? See that sky? They say it's the limit, but that's only true if you believe in limits. 

Follow your heart and don't forget that your father is incredibly proud to have you as a son.

-Dad

Letters to Salem

Hey Salem, You just turned 2 a few days ago, and I couldn't put this off for any longer. I want to write a few things down so we can look back at them someday, but also so you can know what it was like when you were very little. 

 You're a very curious little boy. I love to watch you see things for the first time and then become fascinated for days. A few short months ago you became interested in monster trucks, but you recently discovered dinosaurs (you call them 'saurs'). I think the water has been your most amazing discovery though, and this winter I am hoping to take you to swim lessons somewhere, although I'm not yet sure where. 

I love when we cuddle up and read stories before bed or nap time. As I write this, it hits me that you're too big to sit on my lap in a rocking chair before bed, and I will always remember those nights fondly. I used to hum to you, 'I got you babe..' and a little tear just came to my eye as I wrote those words. 

You're becoming a really cool guy, Salem. You make everybody smile whenever you are near, and we miss you whenever you are gone. I want to tell you something about the future, but there is no way to ever know what the future will bring. I want to show you so many things. I want to show you waterfalls, and not just the ones at Bavarian Inn. Those are nothing compared to the waterfalls in the jungle. Did you know your mom and I used to live in the jungle? 

Well, this is a new project I'm making, and I hope you find it someday. If I'm good about this, I'll write every so often and share with you a few thoughts. I think you're about to wake up from your nap and I should go eat something. I just shaved my head yesterday. I like it. I was worried that you wouldn't recognize me, but you smiled big when you saw me just like you always do. 

 Hey Salem, I hope we're buddies in the future. I'm trying my best to make a cool world for you to grow up in. I can't keep this bubble safe forever, and someday you'll be off to school. I just hope that you know this place will always be safe for you to come back to, and I will always be your dad. 

Love you, Slim 

-Dad