Rebirth

I made it through my second week of grad school with a small hiccup in my plan but it was one that was easy to fix with the help of a patient family and a few extra hours after work.  The poisonous thought entered my mind which tells us to quit as soon as we are confronted by the most minimal of setbacks.  That very poison is probably responsible for causing so many people to stop playing musical instruments or never getting past the first paragraph of that book they have been wanting to write.  Maybe it's doubt.  It's probably doubt and I blindly recognized it as a force that was going to grow stronger against my favor unless I destroy it in its infancy.

Lately the idea of 'rebirth' has been playing in my mind.  I feel like a new person.  I hate that I wrote that, it doesn't describe how I really feel.  Let me try again.  I feel like an old part of me has died, a chapter has finished, and while I have the option to stop writing this book all together I still have a much more exciting option of not-giving up.  And it feels good.  Salem was responsible for this.  When my wife was pregnant I began to see the future in a way I never thought would be physically possible.  I could begin to imagine myself and where I will be in eighteen years and admittedly the thought concerned me a bit.  I began to worry about my job and the sustainability of my body while I work in such a physically demanding profession.  That very profession has given me a house to our name as well stability in my home country, something I never had thought possible a few years ago.

Rebirth.. Birth.. Salem.. I'm watching this little beautiful and curious baby turn into a toddler and although it is cold outside I cannot help but think about how nice it will be to take him into the lake this summer.  I had a premonition about this a long time ago that one or two of you might remember about this, it's a very meaningful to me.  Salem saw his first squirrel today, at least the first one I was around to see with him.  We have been staring out the window on this very lazy weekend and I realize that it has been quite a long time since I've let my spirit so free.  No phone, no distractions, just an open heart and an open mind.  Then I heard her calling again..

Today I want to look at many maps as if I have never seen a map before.  I want these maps to collect and be found by my son in a few years and I want the world to suddenly seem much larger than he can understand.  He has barely seen our backyard, God I have so much to show him.  And this is how I found my rebirth, through my beautiful son.  He is the biggest motivation I have to get back out there and be bold and amazing.  I'm perhaps one of the last people on this planet, so it seems, that still believes in the good of things to come and I want to show my son this world while there is still a possibility to find other believers out there.

Rivers

 It wasn't that long ago that I was searching for a new metaphor.  One of my best friends wrote a book and in the first few lines the book asked, "they never taught us that metaphors are magic did they?"  So I wanted a new metaphor. 

You're sitting by a river, meditating, observing.  Some rivers flow free and some crash dramatically into logs and stones and pieces of broken highway left to slow the passing water.  Some rivers are almost still, they are shallow and you can see the colorful stones painting the bottoms of their aquatic dwelling.  Some rivers lead into many faraway unknown destinations while some rivers fall down to places below.  I'm at my river, dear diary, and I have come to know this body of water very well.  I know the way it flows and sometimes I'm certain that nobody knows better what this river needs than myself.  I was here first.  These things should have all been true but somehow my river was beginning to clog itself.  

What is the great metaphor?  I believe that our rivers are full of beautiful things: friends and family, acquaintances, branches and stones as well as many troubling things: doubt, fear, uncertainty, sharp pointy pieces of glass, litter.  I'm beginning to see my river in my meditations, those I'm able to find time for in this new chapter in my life about being a parent.  The ability to reflect is a luxury.  Again, you need still water in order to reflect, do you not?  

So I took to my river and began to rearrange the beautiful stones and branches as well began to clean up the litter.  It looked nice from my grassy riverbank.  It's not done, in fact some branches are being stubborn and snagging leaves and seaweed.  Every now and then I slice my toe on a broken bottle.   It's working though, I'm beginning to feel my flow.

Time is but a Blink of the Mind's Eye

 Hey Salem, if you’re reading my blog I hope you start here because this is the best part.  This is around the time when you came into my life. 

 

I stumbled on this old photo I took when I was in the Peace Corps about 15 years ago.  It’s nice to look at a number and watch it grow over time, you’ll understand that someday.  But this blog is not intended for nostalgia anymore, in fact it is something I wish to use to look forward.  I am writing this very entry on the day before I went back to school to become a teacher again.   

These moments in my life are sometimes stamped on my body, typically in tattoos.  A long time ago I had certain glyphs from the early people of Mexico tattooed on my back and I had it done to celebrate my decision to become a teacher.  Time would pass and I’d long enjoy the completeness I felt in my profession but some events happened in my life that took me off course, yet I cannot write those words and feel honest about them as I know now where that course has led me upon today.   I had to cover that tattoo to make way for a larger one (fun fact: you’re in there) and it happened around the time I thought I had ended my career as a teacher.  Well, that has changed now and I’ll begin my Master’s tomorrow fresh with a healing glyph upon my left forearm. 

This special Sunday feels perfect.  Your mom is so beautiful.  Your grandparents love you and you’ll see them today.  Sometimes I look at you and I feel ‘forever’ in the same way that you look up to the silence of God’s mystery and feel comfort and stillness in the idea of ‘forever’.  I’m so proud of you and I can’t wait to meet the beautiful young man you’ll become. 

Please tell me which is better as my curious mind has never resolved, to inspire or to be inspired?  Are they not a balance like all things?  Does the 38-year-old child who authors this blog ever satisfy himself with answers to pointless questions like this?  Personally, I feel a whirlwind of both these days.  Something like ten months have passed since our planet became infected with a horrible virus that has managed to stack very high brick walls between our family and friends.  These were isolating times and often people saw this as an opportunity to soul search, I myself included.  I am beginning to see the future through a slightly more focused periscope and it scared me to have had such uncertainty about how things might have unfolded.  In the past I was kinda crazy, I still am. 

So, this is my commitment.  I have about two years of a program and I’d like to check in weekly with at most one photo to share with you and whatever thoughts pass through this curious mind might reach the ears of others who know what I’m feeling.  This is my path to get back into the world while managing to keep part of myself here with those whom I love.  It’s a challenge and it seems extraordinary to society but I’m going to write for us a very different path and I hope you all love it.

Samoa, 2006