Sunday, August 25, 2013

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Thursday, August 15, 2013

the photos that never quite catch it

for a long time i have felt this strange pulling in my brain between two incredible sources of inspiration.  i have been taught to believe that the two sources draw from the same place but their differences seem to consume me in ways that other people might find usable.

the first of these sources is the notion of visual art, the times of my consciousness when i feel that i can copy my imagination onto paper, canvas or wall or perhaps wherever i deem fit at that moment.  the ideas overwhelm me and i have a hard time focusing on things that should matter in life like performing tasks to pay bills and spending time with loved ones however my visual imagination is a ticklish side of my brain that makes me feel like a child with a box of crayons in a world with no rules prohibiting us to stay within the lines.

my dreams are so colorful when my visually stimulating, ether-tapping device is in full function.  i dress differently and paint my face when i'm home alone.  the type of music i listen to is usually without words (unless it is hip-hop which i prefer lots and lots of words).  i find that i like to give people tiny gifts when i'm in visual mode and i like to make little sketches on torn pieces of scrap paper and leave them in jacket pockets resting on backs of chairs.  a bathroom mirror is like a sitting duck and i'm the hunter who does not obey the rules of open season.

the other sector of my brain which pulls me with such polarity is the source which compels me to make music.  when i am in this 'mode' i tap on things a lot and have trouble holding still.  i find it easy to listen to a song one time and teach myself how to play it on a guitar or piano that exists only in my head and i assure myself with certainty that i'm correct in my assumptions.

my dreams are strangely enough quite conversational when i'm in audio mode.  i find myself in deep conversations with friends from the past, those of which i've mentioned many times in various ways and those of which who have continued to inspire me with or without their physical presence.  that is curious.  it is intriguing to me that my friends from back home come to me in my sleeping-consciousness more commonly when i'm in audio mode.  even after writing that sentence i realize that i hadn't previously let that occur to me.

the frustrating this is that i cannot be in both modes at the same time.  i've struggled with this since i was a young child as music and art have played strong roles in my life for most of my life.  i believe that although i cannot locate the source from which they both draw from i have learned that both have developed a sort of intelligence for me that does not allow me to settle for anything less that well thought out solutions to problems that matter to me; problems like a blank canvas or a guitar sitting in a corner with dust on it.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

old man once said to me...

there are about seven billion people in the world as of 2013.  seven billion people means seven billion different perspectives of this wonderous planet upon which we all reside.  somehow i've taken myself uprooted from one culture to another to another to see a few of those perspectives in person and to this day i can hardly wrap my head around how differently we all view the world.

for the last three weeks or so i've found myself planted yet again inside the heart of istanbul, a place where i've called my home for a few years now, yet it is never easy to create yourself anew.  traveling is an art which takes its toll on the user and sometimes leaves us more confused than when we left home.  we find that the questions we used to ask have never been answered yet they have become more complex.  i just giggle about it to myself sometimes and find myself speaking out loud about how crazy this world can be.  i wonder sometimes if i've done it all wrong (and i say that with a smile on my face - i do not believe one can take a wrong path) but whatever it is that i have done has taken me quite far in this world.  i stare at the same maps i once hung on my wall as a child and realize that i've seen so much of this world, perhaps more than we were intended to, but i keep going and i will always keep going.

so the real question is 'what's next?'.  it is a simple question that perhaps i should put on hold for a while.  i want to get to the motherland, the place where all of us humans have found a shared history.  i want to see the great continent that holds our ancestry and began the story of human-earth.  my methods are so out of the ordinary, i move to a great metropolis, one of the greatest cities in the world, in order to prepare for a bold return to nature.  it is my path and i write with a smile on my face in light of how crazy my destiny has revealed itself.

i'm back home now.  not only am i back in my city however in the neighborhood upon which i have built myself into its very pavement.  this must be the place, this is the only way...

lift your head and wonder why..

how am i the only one?

sometimes i think i use this city to challenge myself and test my ability to remain spiritually centered in a chaotic concrete jungle (a fucking beautiful one.. that makes it a bit easier i guess).  i'm surrounded by history and art and beauty and living in a language which four years ago i hardly knew existed.  my friends greet me with two kisses to the face and two strong hugs and at any given moment i can wander off to explore the ancient world which calls itself my neighbor.

this fish is happy in the great pond it has drifted off into..

this part of my life is a return to the process of learning, and of course teaching.  i'm an educator by profession and it is in my appreciation for my job that i will continue to always learn from my students.  i teach them my language and i make sure to know everything i teach in theirs as well, and i'm good at it.

old man once said to me.. well, i wonder if anyone would get that reference.  i wonder if anyone still reads this.  to be fair i've written this blog to myself and anyone who has chanced upon it is of course welcome into my land of typos and toothy grins.

i want it to be known:

that 'society' is a system created by human beings, creatures which are fallible yet capable of impressive things.  there are many ways to escape the system of society however many include methods which are frowned upon by the masses.  however we choose to escape from society is a problem which we must solve for ourselves although my personal escape has made me the happiest person in the world.  i do not ever want to live a story that has been written for me and i do not ever wish to live within limits beyond those of which i have defined for myself.  although 'freedom' is a worthy destination it is still a term which we have yet to understand completely.  freedom, as it has been told to us, is the privilege to live in a certain boundary of social norms where one can enjoy freedom so long as it is in accordance to society and does not break any cultural faux-pas.  therefore i believe that true freedom is an inward journey to one's self to become liberated from any boundaries created from outside forces that limit us from living to our true potential.