Tuesday, December 30, 2014

oreo cookies and coffee :)

all i want for christmas are oreo cookies and coffee 
i'm planning my escape  
i call this stewing
my neighbors don't hate me.  i think they like my band
i had a stalker.  i'm flattered
indonesia hosts about 250 languagues
papua new guinea 848
the world is colorful and delicious
i'm proud of every scar on my body
ever mark of ink
every line on my face
one of my best friends is moving here soon
i wish they all could come
i miss my cat when i'm at work
i think she thinks i'm hiding around the corner
back to the matter at hand
i love the ocean
i love salt stuck to my lips and sand on my toes
the world is god damn big
i'm not out to conquer every country
i'm only listening to the voices in my head
i'm glad i used to suffer with depression
i'm glad no one noticed
i taught myself how to survive in this world
i'm not afraid of anything
i'm a liar, i'm afraid of everything
the thirties are awesome
 sometimes i think we are evolving into apes
not the other way around like we've been taught
my parents are my real heroes
my dad looked good in tube socks
and a mustache
i wonder if we would have hung out in the 80s
if i were an older-me back then
he knew me when i was a younger me
learning guitar was the best thing i've done
music teaches us how to hear
drawing teaches us how to see
i've been wrong about a lot of people
i should walk slower
but it's cold outside 
and i'm always looking over my shoulder
i love the following things:
micron pens
pizza with dill
belly buttons
dark hair
poorly drawn hands in famous artwork
rap music
heavy metal
*i hate blues.. sorry.. and horses.. i hate them too
i like breakfast in different countries
cold pillows
people from brazil
blue jean jackets
jeans with holes in them
face paint
being naked
çiğ köfte
the balkans
documentaries about the incas
outer space
carl sagan
and fanta

ohh löp löp karlar yağıyor..
i'm making angels tonight
in the snow by my house
tucked away in a secret corner of the world
nobody knows about
but me
those close to me
and those who came to see me
soon i'll be watching the sunset channel
on the western corners of a strange island
deep in the indian ocean
the same body of water that stole my heart
last summer
watching the stars turn into dreams
picking happiness off the sounds of nature
all around me....

Wednesday, December 24, 2014


i woke up at about 12:40 today.  my house is a mess and proudly displays signs of last night's madness as we celebrated an early christmas together with other ex-pats who are stuck here for the holiday.  last night was exceptionally funny in the heart of doing stupid things that haven't really changed much since i was about fifteen years old.  in my living room there is a broken table where i can almost re-watch myself throwing my friend tom into last night and tiny flakes of ashes from a mcdonald's paper bag remaining from when marco tried to light tom on fire.  poor tom.

in this destruction i think we all felt the sentiment of a great era coming to an end, going out with a bang so to speak.  i'll spend new years in the company of good people and toast to one of the best years of my life.  i'm not even sure how to quantify a great year but this one has taken me to a very strange corner of the earth called madagascar which i never in thirty two years ever imagined i would wash ashore.  ez lisnin, which started in 2013, came into full effect this year and i spend my free time being up all night with like-minded individuals who entertain each other with bizarre sound effects and beeps and clicks.

i tote an obnoxiously long green military looking jacket and don a winter hat and slippers, looking like a bum really, and walk out into the world unshowered only to realize today is far too warm to be dressed like this.  it's ok, i'm only on my way to the manav (it means something a deli in english) and sift throw brands of organic orange and pineapple juices.  the recovery begins.  i'm back in my apartment halfway through cleaning and listening to loud hip hop mixed with ez lisnin tracks that i've made this week.  i can feel the shedding of last night's madness turning into the light of a new day, perhaps a new era.  i feel so good right now.  i laughed so hard last night that i actually fell asleep with a smile on my face.  many people take for granted the joy of self-destruction once in a while but it's good for you.  now i'm excited about health and vegetables again, yoga and buddhism; last night was a step away from my path or perhaps a step closer.

i'm watching the last days of this great year come to an end and i fear not the future.  i've learned too much in my short time on earth to worry about what is to come next.  i like getting older and in some ways i like where this world is heading.  i'm excited about life and i don't see anything wrong with following the beat of my own drum.  this is the life i chose and it's working out just fine yet i can't help but wonder what holds people down into their own unhappiness.  i get sad all the time, i've battled a seemingly underestimated depression my whole life but i've learned to channel my depression into energy.  i hope other people can do that too, i hate thinking that others feel the sadness i once felt.

2015 will take me far and wide.  who knows what is to come next?  i see islands and beaches and boats whereas i've gotten a taste of the ocean and the sea last summer and i want more.  i'll speak further about this later, for now i have a broken table to repair.  merry christmas!

Friday, December 19, 2014

Thursday, December 18, 2014

..you're a crazy breed. hope you're not lonely..

it's been too long since i've seen the pleasures of a day of silence.  this is a practice i used to do long ago when i found that my head needed to be screwed back on.  it's something i'm really long over due for seeing as how i have serious plans of travel for next year that i've hardly even put much work into.  maybe i'm just getting good at spontaneity or maybe i'm just too self-involved in the money saving process to realize what i'm actually working for.  

when i was a kid i always wanted to run away.  i never knew why.  i had great parents and came from a very comfortable life of the middle class american family's dream.  i wondered what it was that i'm running from.  i learned when i was about 19 the value of having less.  i had a small apartment crowded with about fifteen musical instruments and a lot of art supplies but one day i took all of them and dispersed them among my friends.  by the time i finished university i had a little more than a backpack and single guitar to my name.  less is more.  maybe this is what i was running from.

don't ever forget the value of nothingness.  i urge everybody to look deep inside of themselves and find what they are truly fortunate enough to be in possession of.  you have a heart and an imagination and a fiery soul that is begging you to explore the lands across the sea.  that fire is all i need in this world.  it is true that we live in a world run by money but so be it.  i'm part of the system and i work seven days a week to raise a seemingly intangible number in my back account but that's how it must be.  i'm no longer idealistic enough to see beyond such things.  all i know is that i've built a life for myself which provides opportunities to explore the faraway corners of the world.

i want to share a bit of my plans so far, although i've made a decision to begin the true planning of this trip after new years.

this is a map of indonesia with my destination clearly teasing from the center: borneo.  sometimes people ask what calls me to different places and i always tell them that ideas are like seeds in our minds.  somewhere along the line i've picked up on this thought of borneo, perhaps from national geographic videos or perhaps even more obscurely from a strange nickname my mother used to give me when i was very little, 'the wild baby of borneo' (i have no idea where that came from).  these seeds are planted in our heads and our imagination and personal interest become a way of watering those seeds to see them flourish into healthy travels.  soon it will be time again to own nothing more than a backpack.

i have voices in my head and i listen to them.  i hear things calling me from far away and i'm lead to them like an insect to a flame.  what curiosities await me on this vast remote island are only to be told with time but i promise my eyes to be wider upon my return.  

Monday, December 15, 2014

so long old friend.... :(

i'll be seeing you down the river...

I am a sinner
Who's probably gonna sin again
Lord forgive me
Lord forgive me
Things I don't understand
Sometimes I need to be alone
Please don't kill my vibe
Please don't kill my vibe
I can feel your energy from two planets away
I got my drink I got my music I will share it but today I'm yelling
Please don't kill my vibe

Thursday, December 4, 2014


about 5-7 minutes everyday i have a freak out session and run around my house listening to heavy metal.  i was inspired by my cat's daily freak out sessions.  

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

instagram invasion of Level ONE weekday evenings

too lazy to crop.. sorry ;)

this class is super cool.. see you in level 2!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

you should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day, unless you're too busy, then you should sit for an hour

in the last few months the practice of buddhism has returned to me like an old friend who i haven't visited in far too long.  it began with a conversation with a person very dear to me, a monk, via skype.  i told him how i felt the romanticism of buddhism had passed and whereas i am still very dedicated to my spiritual practices i have a longing for that consciousness i once had.  he reminded me that when we met i was only 22 years old and still very idealistic in the world.  the teachings of the buddha are now things i must apply to my life rather than listen to in exotic mystery.  some eleven years have passed and this monk is still a very close friend of mine.  he has watched me travel and observed my thoughts in ways that i myself had failed to realize.  as it came to be, this conversation was very special to me and again i feel that child-like thirst for simplicity and have begun again the practice of metta (the daily effort to wish wellness, happiness and peace upon all living things).

meditation is intimidating to us for some reason.  i think we fear the boredom of the practice or perhaps we don't see a purpose to it, maybe we think we will fall asleep.  as i've been taught, the practice of meditation is a return to a still point, the focus on one's breath and the watching of transient thoughts as they pass.  we who practice meditation do not cling to thoughts however we let them pass as leaves on a gentle stream.  the purpose, as least to me, of meditation is to learn the ability to return to this place at any given time in our conscious lives.  there are times of stress or anger and anxiety when we become flustered however those who practice meditation are able to return to this stillness and maintain healthy thoughts even amid the troubles of life.  

buddhism is a path which i began many years ago and i entered this world without question.  i listened to the words of the buddha and realized that i have nothing to contest with his teachings.  being a religious-philosophy of many quotes i would like to include a great piece of wisdom by the Dalai Lama who once said, “If scientific analysis were conclusively to demonstrate certain claims in Buddhism to be false, then we must accept the findings of science and abandon those claims.”  

this quote has always carried a lot of water for me when i examine other religions.  i could never imagine any other religion accepting change in the eyes of science and in my opinion buddhism is directly related to science.  in meditation we are tapping into our bodies' inner core and we use life in its simplest form to grow as humans and prepare ourselves (adapt ourselves) to the changes which come with time.  we all get sick, we all potentially grow old and we all die.  these are the three observations which began the path to the buddha's enlightenment and through deep meditation he learned that it is our desire to hang on to things which are not ours to hang onto which cause us such suffering.  

life has taken me to strange and faraway places.  i've seen living proof that we live on a round planet with such varieties of nature that my emotional side finds it difficult to contain itself.  i've also traveled deep within myself and found a place which gives me happiness.  i also believe that happiness is a practice and i believe that we can cultivate our own happiness in the way that a farmer grows his or her own crops.  these all begin with seeds that we plant in our consciousness and as a good farmer we must tend to our crops often and see that they prosper.  such is the was of the meditation practitioner.

Monday, November 17, 2014

an empty bottle a full bottle

there is a sentiment in buddhism that i have learned in the past.  buddhism teaches that we are much like a container or a vessel of sorts and what we choose to fill that container reflects our lives in a great way.  some people are empty.  if you were to tap on the side of an empty container it will make a loud hollow sound and such is the way that empty people speak.  as it turns out, the fool is the one who speaks too often in an empty way yet a wise person is one who is full of the correct teachings and thus makes no empty sound.

i have taken this thought a few steps further and considered to myself what people may be full of.  it seems that some people are full of frustration and their sound resonates in their voice.  some are full of happiness and they have a delightful sound which is appeasing to the ear.  perhaps some people are full of thick darkness and their sound is muffled by their anger.

i wondered what i am made of.

only a fool or an arrogant person would boast of themselves and display to the world what they think they are made of so i have chosen to let that sound be interpreted by those who know me best.  i could only hope that my sound is resonated with a happy tune yet i know that at times i too am frustrated or full of things that i have become afflicted with in my life.  having said this, i want to learn to fill myself with wisdom.  my ears are tuned to filter what i believe to be thoughts of contamination and of course it is up to me to choose not to be lead into the temptation of emptiness.  may the sound which my vessel resonates bring wisdom upon itself and reflect the lessons i have learned in this life.  may they not be forgotten.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

12,090 AD

sometimes i think it is the year 12,090 AD.  ever since i was very young this number has always been specific for me and the reason is actually kind of funny.  i was (and still am) a huge anime fan and among my favorites is the film Vampire Hunter D which takes place in the year 12,090 AD.  i remember hearing that number for the first time and thinking how strange it was that little has changed in some ten thousand years from the time of my own existence.  still it rocks my mind that i have come so far in thirty two short years on earth and sometimes i can't help but wonder what will come next for me.

if you live for thirty two years chances are that you will see the coming and unfortunately the passing of people you are close to.  this seems to be the age when life kicks into full gear.  the friends who have had babies now have young people in their houses who can speak and retain information as good as you or i.  somethings worked out for the better and some did not.  some people went on to prosper and sadly a small few have ended their lives before they had a chance to blossom.

so sometimes i think, 'why me?'.  why did i become the one who ran away?  i think the answer for that lies in my imagination that never went away with adulthood.  in my head it is the year 12,090 AD and i'm a vampire hunter.  i'm the well-drawn picture of a single anime frame with the pause button pressed while a seven year old version of myself draws everything on the screen.  i'm the cover of a 1980's video game whose graphics are better in the cover art than in the actual game.  i spent years telling everybody that i was going to run away and eventually that is exactly what i did.

now i want to think about the future.  i want to think about death, aging and the crippling illnesses which flip like a coin of fate to all of us.  the buddha was exposed to the same three things and the shock of life's inevitable outcome drove him to some six years of soul searching until one day he realized that it is our own desire which causes such suffering.  we can learn a lot from the buddha and as a side note i have made it one of my life goals to not let his teachings be forgotten.

so what happens as our bodies fall apart?  we look in the mirror and see a grey hair or a wrinkle on our face and the first signs of our bodies' decay become clear to us.  there is no need to worry about this, at least as far as i've learned.  the secret to happiness is transience and the recognition that life is only temporary.  somehow i have survived thus far even at times in the wake of misfortunate events which could have taken their turns for the worst.  i'm not afraid of death, in fact sometimes i imagine my last words to pass through my mind to be something like, 'oh, so that's how my story ends.' and i think the peace i've made with life is part of my content with fate.  many people cling to their beliefs in god or an afterlife perhaps out of fear that their temporariness in life would go without reason yet i don't really believe we are anything more than star dust floating in the cosmos.  for now i want to see some of this interesting world and learn more about the upright bipedal apes who are among my species.  i want to find out why some foods are palatable to one culture yet are found repulsive to others.  i want to see again and again what the stars look like in the southern hemisphere, i'm still tickled by that perspective every time.  sometimes i even want to shake the person next to me and say, 'do you not realize!?  you are made of stars!' yet i know that i stole that quote from a mind much brighter than my own.

somehow in this vast oblivion we have made it to the year 12,090 AD or 2014 AD or whatever number you choose to identify with.  we are the survivors of a cruel world and i don't see anything wrong with indulging in our lusts to explore this planet to its fullest while it is still green and blue and while there are still wild animals and indigenous people wandering about.  the world as we know it is changing and i've seen with my own eyes the devastation we are inflicting upon our planet.  believe it or not we are part of the problem and i want to take the world in for some of its beauty before its too late.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014


turns out that i would be sick for a small yet noticeable percent of 2014.  this summer i fought a nasty conflict with dengue fever and in the dawn of november i'm watching the last hints of pneumonia leave my body.  this recent bout of illness came to me unfortunately during a moment of great inspiration when i was making music every moment of the day that i was not at work or asleep, and i rarely do either of those things.  i've worked out a very unique niche for myself in this city and i've managed to save money while harboring time to work on my creative impulses and at the same time i'm always wondering what will be my next big adventure.

pneumonia sucks.  i'm not stricken for vocabulary however sometimes i think the word 'sucks' really describes being sick.  if you read back far enough in this blog i'm sure i said the same thing about dengue fever.  i didn't write this article today to scare people back home (and i swear i'm about 90 percent better) but i'm writing this as a note to myself to remember this time that i came out of something ugly again as something new and beautiful.  i'm watching creativity return to me and i'm also witnessing the first tangible ideas of my next travel come into the light.  it's too soon to give hints away but i'm again island bound, this time for the other end of an ocean i've recently fallen in love with.

i'll actually be done with my contract on march 7th, the day before my 33rd birthday, the Jesus year i like to think of it as.  in these years i've become really good at things which i once only dreamed of.  today, travel has become to me something i'm perfecting in the way that an amateur painter becomes a great artist.  i found what i'm good at in this world and i've put in the hours to support it.

my coughing has stopped and the pains in my right lung have receded.  i have a zest for creativity and soon i'll be sitting in front of numbers and colors with my band again trying to turn our ideas into sound.  inshallah.

screw it.  i'll say it.  i'm going island hopping in indonesia.  i spilled the beans.  :) 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

some drink coffee some drink tea

i've wanted to write about living and growing up in different cultures for a long time but i've been tentative on the subject because in the past i had never felt as if i truly knew enough about other cultures to touch on the subject.  now i feel that the time has come that i've lived in turkey long enough to at least have one other strong point of view that i could make some comparisons to my own culture.  there are many similarities and of course incredible differences between growing up in turkey and growing up in the united states and although i have been in istanbul (on and off) for about five years i want to see where some unrehearsed writing will take me on the subject.

i first want to note that turkey can be safely termed a bit more of a homogeneous country than the united states because americans, north and south, are primarily descendants of immigrants and the majority of turkish people, here in istanbul at least, are descendants of mostly turks.  most turks are not born in istanbul yet they have come to the city from other parts of turkey.  the different regions in turkey are numerous and quite different yet they all carry very strong inherent values that are on the hearts of all turkish people.  some examples of this begin with muslim values and customs even that are relative to how people should expect to be treated.  compared to other religions, muslims have a great regard for hygiene especially for the hands.  they rarely touch food and almost never use their left hands.  they remove their shoes upon the entry of a house so as to leave the filth of the outside world at the doorstep.  the house is sacred.  turkish houses are remarkably clean and slippers are sometimes provided for guests to be comfortable.  turkish culture is famously hospitable and guests are held to a high regard, thus being in accordance to words from the Qur'an which promote selflessness and the humility towards others.

muslims practice ramadan and a religious holiday of kurban bayramı (this is the turkish name, i'm not sure in other languages).  in both of these holidays they are called to acknowledge the poor and misfortunate by practices of fasting and the sacrifice of an animal whose meat is shared with first the homeless and then with neighbors.  muslims are called to pray five times a day thus giving 1/24 of their day to Allah.  there is a notion which i have observed in islam that Allah has called on us to give similar fractions of our being to Allah such as the month of ramadan being 1/13 of the year's commitment and so on.  it can be simply put that if we have a total of something we should give one portion of that towards Allah and thus it keeps us humble and discipline.

turks grow up like this.  some adhere to the teachings of islam more conservatively than others yet turkey has been created in the teachings of Mustafa Kemal Atatürk who believed that the republic was a foundation for all turkish people and turks should respect the beliefs of others. in a few symbolic examples, some drink alcohol and some do not.  some smoke cigarettes or nargile and some do not.  the turkish people have also been raised with tolerance even among the heavily political times which have essentially never seen silence since the formation of the republic in 1923.

that being said i can think deeper upon the lives of my turkish friends and wonder what it was like for them growing up.  much value is placed on the family and people often stay in the house they grew up in until they are married with the often exemptions of university and military service (to the best of my knowledge, six months if you go to university and fifteen months if you don't go to university).  some of my friends have gotten apartments and others must still call to check in with their parents and have curfews even though they are my age.

turkish people also wear uniforms to school and have a standardized and difficult exam which will, in some ways, determine their future careers and university options.  there are two types of school, devlet and özel, one which you must pay for and the other which is free (devlet is 'state' in english and özel is 'private' yet i'm not sure which one has no tuition, probably devlet).  i think there is a lot of pressure on young turkish people for their paths of education and employment because the job market is very tight.  many jobs require a long payless time of intership where they work long hours even on saturdays sometimes.

this was a brief outline of turkish culture yet i cannot even begin to write about the vastness that i have learned in the last five years, it is simply too much to write about.

on a side note, i really don't know anymore the demographic which reads this blog.  i receive random insights from people of all over the world and on that note i urge people to reflect deeply about the cultures which they come from.

i wonder what it was like to grow up in other countries.  i can think endlessly about my culture and what it was like to be an american of mixed european descendance.  i have a strong memory of my youth and it is greatly accredited to the stories which have accumulated over the years.  these come from many sources like my family, friends and school life.  i wasn't really much of a trouble maker but i was always very close to that edge.  i hung out with people with absolutely no judgement of their upbringing and this mix of people and cultures has lead to so many interesting things that have happened to me in my life.  no examples are necessary.

american culture raises children in the wake of patriotism.  the united states was founded by a long series of successful and unsuccessful wars in the value of freedom.  i don't write of politics so i won't express my opinion on the previous statement but i have them and they are strong.  american children, for the most part grow up in the suburbs.  they have houses instead of apartments and have lawns of grass in front of their houses.  most americans drive cars and they are given their licenses at the age of sixteen in most states.  they don't all eat fast food but they do have ready access to it.  food is noticeably bigger in portion.  some drink coffee some drink tea.

it is tempting not to call the united states conservative yet the country was founded, as is run by, christians.  christians believe in God and place a great value on the ten commandments which are the foundation of the legal system.  the word's 'In God We Trust' are written on the currency and even though the people of the united states are of mixed religion and culture, the country is essentially built in a christian framework.  americans are raised with the values of security and hard work.  the adult american is to be self sustaining and it is frowned upon to stay with the family beyond the mid twenties.  they work at younger ages than many countries yet feel a pride in their independent upbringing.

americans date at earlier ages (i think).  they binge drink at parties yet don't smoke cigarettes nearly as much as many other places i've seen.  they invented a wide range of music that has affected the entire world and have produced many innovations towards technology.  they grow up in cliques of sort and dress in ways of self-expression or perhaps rebellion.  these are a few of the many things written on the hearts of american people.

i have been blessed to see many different cultures.  it really never stops amazing me how different this world is.  i've had my reservations about the notion that people are the same everywhere, i don't know if i can really support that belief.  your culture incubates you during your upbringing and writes upon your heart values which you never really knew existed.  it is only in the way of travel and experience in other cultures that we truly see how different we are.  yet we can find home in other places.  it is possible for us to assimilate in other regions of the world because albeit we are different we are still humans and we have all started our walks down our own paths through life.

Friday, October 17, 2014

English Time - Level 2 Weekday AM


the sky opens up and pours light down on you

in an early morning conversation with a good friend and traveler earlier this year i was told that 'the sky opens up and pours light down on me'.  it was an amazing phrase that i've never heard before and to this day i'm beautifully haunted by those kind yet strange words.  i've had a fascination with the sky for a long time now which is greatly accredited to a weekend long ayauasca trip i took in peru a few years ago as well as an old party trick my friends and i used to do in lake michigan where we would shout slanderous yet comical curses to the sky as if it were responsible for the wrong doings of all humans.  yet the sky usually remains silent.

sometimes i wonder how i've become the person i am today.  i do believe somewhere in here that i have a good heart yet i don't necessarily believe in good and evil.  long ago i took a serious contemplation of the word 'taboo' and i reconsidered what i believed to be acceptable for humans.  in fact i'm intrigued by the taboo and sometimes i do things because i believe other people are too cowardly to follow those paths.  this comes in the form of running away to a different country, which is simple, and it comes in other forms of things i wish i could write about in public.  i think the most admirable of all people are the brave and for the brave people who challenge destiny (or perhaps do not believe in it) we are rewarded with the gift of sight.

the world is actually quite mysterious to some.  so many people question why we are here or if there is a god.  others question about how things came to be yet i don't bother myself with these questions anymore.  perhaps this is the buddhist in me that believes in transience; i watch these meaningless thoughts pass as i do all other thoughts.  not long ago i was feeling lost yet this morning of all recent mornings i have never felt more 'found'.

i had a dream last night about a friend who knows me better that some people who have known me for years.  a very special person who vanished before their time.  she left this place too early and her smile still haunts me.  we are all tied to each other, us humans, and we connect in ways that have no name yet we find answers to questions we never knew.  humans are animals yet we are social animals.  we learn about the world around us from our interactions with each other.  i don't regret any interaction i've had with any human be it good or bad, they are each a stitch of a very delicate tapestry that binds itself together with experience and love.

i woke up with this version of this song in my head:

pay attention to the sky today, there are wandering clouds among us.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

meet me there

it must be october.  somehow from that deeply rooted southeast Michigan upbringing i can tell that the seasons are changing.  change is good, i accept change and this is the time of year for me that i become introspective and focus my energy more locally.  winter has not yet fallen and i have not taken to daydreams about how i'm going to make my escape from this place in the way that i do every year.  actually i don't even know what i'm going to do next.

i call this 'stewing'.  it is my time to gather ingredients that i've collected from other travelers and i am going to toss these into a slow simmering stew in my brain to see what delicious adventures i can think up next. 

honestly though i have no idea.  i toyed with the idea of going to ireland for a while.  i would love to see the island which produces some of my favorite folk music.  i haven't completely rejected the idea but somehow i feel a calling to continue traveling to far off locations that people usually only hear of in national geographic articles.  there is something very appealing to me to be able to wander so far and i'd like to believe that i've gotten good at it.  i do hear a tiny hum of a voice in my head telling me to go back to the south pacific.  i can save my coins for the next few months and jump on a series of well-planned yet cheap flights and make my way to indonesia and then perhaps papua new guinea.  that just sounds incredible.  however these are only ideas right now and admittedly my life is on the boring side compared to previous months of backpacking an exotic and strange island.

these days i'm making music.  i've tapped into a part of my deep consciousness that is accessible only through long hours of repetitive sounds and occasional chemical recreation.  i have this band now called EZ lisnin.  i won't say much more about the project but i will say that i absolutely love playing music with these guys, i wish we had more time.

for now i'm going back into hiding.  i probably wont post much in this blog because i don't think anyone cares about my writing unless i'm somewhere far away.  granted i am far away right now.. and that leaves me with a final sentiment that i always seem to forget. it always passes my mind that i live in a different country with a different language with a different culture.  i have gotten so used to being here that it is easy to forget how fortunate i am.  perhaps in the future i should write more about my life here but for now i believe i'm going to be in hiding for a while.  

Monday, October 6, 2014

EZ lisnin


come check out EZ lisnin ;) 

Monday, September 15, 2014


for two days i couldn't wake up.  i walked around in a zombie-like state and could hardly put two words together in my mind.  then suddenly a wave of lucidity hit me about an hour before i went to bed last night and i slept better than i have in a long time.  not only did i sleep but i had a series of intense and seemingly inexplicable dreams which i hardly remember this morning.  it hit me that i haven't dreamed (or at least remembered dreaming) in a week or two and perhaps there is something really important in the dream cycle which keeps us fully conscious in the waking life.  i thought about this deeply this morning and how it applies to life in a bigger way.

there is this girl, a friend i've never met, who is bound for great adventures in this life.  she found me somehow through the analects of the internet and continues to follow my ramblings and travels over many many moons.  she too is a dreamer.  she too is conscious in her waking life and i know that she is also bound to the journeys around the world one day when she learns how to not only dream but understand the importance of connecting the dream world to the conscious world we all live in.

this is the power of dreaming, it gives us a connection as human (and in fact animal) that somehow doesn't require words.  i look at my students sometimes and i can tell that they saw dreams last night.  sometimes they even tell me that they have dreamed of me and i don't take that at all to be strange.  i've had students write me emails and tell me their elaborate dreams they have seen me in and i absolutely feel a connection to these people.  what a guilty pleasure it is to invade someone's deep subconscious thoughts.

today i am awake and ready for the world outside.  i've restarted the process of working and meditating on my future travels, i once called this 'stewing'.  i actually don't know where i'm going next but i've chosen to leave my thoughts open.  it is truly a vast and massive planet with delicious cultures and musical colors beyond every great sea and mountain.  i want to pursue love and beauty in every form and pick happiness off nature all around me.  wherever i end up next i'll not forget the boundless moment i live in today. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

and we all go up to the Mero..

skipping rope still turning
children at their play
in and out of clarendon street
in and out to pray
i haven't prayed for twenty years
or sung a happy song
since praying came with innocence
and the devil played along

Sunday, September 7, 2014

it's laughter cut with fear and doubt..

it all speeds up from here.  it's the way we never notice the change in clouds until they are silver and raining.  it's the way we stare at strangers when they least suspect it.  i want to be something beautiful when the days turn into years and on the day the earth expires its last breath i'll be sitting back with a greasy morning smile and a handful of memories of how soft your skin feels on my face.  it's i who gets the last laugh, i never blinked when my eyes were blinded by the sun.

my only valuable wish.. i want you to feel the wind on your body like a golden retriever hanging from the window of a fast car.  i never learned a damn thing.  after fifty some-odd countries i'm just as lost as ever.. but i'm happy.  here's to hope.  here's to belly kisses and the way your hair gets stuck in your mouth and chokes you when you first wake up.

i never doubted us human beings.  i was the one who believed in us and turned a blind eye to our cigarette soaked after parties and hangover home remedies.  i still believe in love and i kiss with two hands buried deep in the back of your head.

i know the pain in your smiles, the aching of a hungry stomach and the risk of death.  i'm not really scared of anything.  i still toss coins into fountains and meet with my forest muse who puts flowers into the hands of naked statues hidden below the gardens of an old mansion.

it's laughter cut with fear and doubt.  the freedom of a staircase will drop you to a broken kneecap if you don't hold the handrail tightly like a lover.

i've seen things you could never imagine.  i've witnessed the best and worst of humans and i still don't know if i feel like being a good person.  in fact i like being bad sometimes.  my life makes no sense to anyone but my cat.  i wouldn't change a single moment for all the diamonds in the cave.  when this story is over i'll die laughing.  mark these words: life is awesome.  kiss more often and smile at strangers.. you have a beautiful face no matter what the mirror tells you.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

in that former life... were you the committed type who never missed a hanging?

the rains here are strange.  they come down in full power for a short while then leave the sky a gritty silver with a great distance between the clouds and the earth.  the sun pokes through like a winking eye in the evening and i shuffle through songs on my phone to find the appropriate music to catch this moment; kill the radio.. listen to the rain fall.  

i wonder what i am to this place, a seed tossed into a strong wind.  i sneak out at night and company myself with people who understand me and see the world through the same crystal ball that i do.  we smile and hug and touch glasses together as our stories become anecdote to an already rich story we've written together.  

i want to see so much more of this world.  i want to see water fall off cliffs and smash on thankless rocks below.  i want to feel the sun burn through the cracks between leaves and branches of trees and i want to wake up hearing the sounds in my dreams drift slowly into the dreams of my waking life.  metaphysical and poetic indeed.. such is life.  

still.. somehow in this moment i feel the confusion in wondering more about who i am.. or what i am.. what have i done in this world?  was it all a dream?  will you share this moment with me?  

Monday, August 25, 2014