The Tent and the Kronosaurus

We have this great game that Salem made up, and it involves putting up a tent in the living room. This act alone will invariably erupt any child's imagination, and it's very cool to see where my guy takes this one. 

It's a ship of some kind. You have to sit far away from the opening or a menacing kronosaurus will attack you. Occasionally, he leaves us alone long enough to explore the waters with our scuba gear, but he eventually he always comes back. Sometimes you can hear him smacking against the hull off our vessel and the walls shake. 

We load our ship with a crew made of Dinosaur Friend, Other Dinosaur Friend, Barfer, Slime, JJ, Trash Panda, Alpaca, a few more, and once in a while there is a terrible storm. The blowing gales and harsh rains shipwreck our boat onto the shores of a lone island, the couch. Salem achieves this by physically rolling from the floor onto the center of the couch taking the flailing tent with him upwards as he tumbles. 

It's fantastic. We have to build shelter for JJ, who is just a baby that needs food. We eventually build life rafts to aide our damaged vessel as we prepare it to once again be seaworthy. 

And, repeat. 

Discipline

Run.

Work out.

Write.

Paint.

Being an adult with a child means very little free time, very little you-time. The temptation to use that time to disappear into a couch is certainly there, but I can't live like that. 

Something inside of me is on fire this week. I was in Mexico almost every weekend for the last six weeks, and I haven't really gotten used to being home. When I was caught up in my travels, I promised myself that I would get back into shape (physically and mentally) when I was back home, and now I have a promise to keep. And, there are many secrets to discover when you're hyper-focused on something new while enjoying the temporary sense of 'honeymoon' during the initial phase. Things speak to me when I'm running. Something inside of me tells me to focus on how far I've run rather than how far I have left to go. Sometimes that's not true at all. Sometimes I focus on the half dozen arches covered in large Christmas lights at the end of the block a few streets over. That place has been the finishing line of several challenges I've made for myself.

I work out. I don't eat right, at least not for working out. So, I get tired. I need to fix that. I mostly eat rice and beans, rarely animal products of any kind unless I'm stuck in a situation at a diner and have to rely on an omelette or something. I don't understand bulking, and I'm really just trying to stay fit. I drink these potions made of turmeric, cayenne, and black pepper while trying my best to pump as much water as possible throughout the day. And, I pray. Quite often. I think you should too. 

I suppose this blog is now a far cry from the travelogue that it used to be. I've been away from Turkey for nine and a half years, and although I've spend a lot of time in Central America/the Caribbean since then, I didn't really document much of it. I felt like being off the radar for a while. I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and I was starting to realize that perhaps I squeezed a bit too much from life during my travels. That's something that very few people I've ever met would understand, but the ones who do understand it well. 

So, now I'm a middle-aged suburban dad who runs at night listening to house music. I love it. It's my me-time that I thought only existed in fairy tales. If I'm up for it, I'll work out in the garage immediately after. If the muses above me are smiling upon me, I'll paint a single picture after all of that or maybe even write in this blog a bit. I do all this after full days of grading papers, playing with my son, cooking, cleaning, meeting with students, changing oil, fixing the doorknob, calling teachers, pretending to be a dinosaur, pretending to be Dr. Grant, pretending to be Dr. Ian Malcolm (although Salem usually gets to be him). When all of that is said and done, I get to run for a while, work out, write, and paint before reading my son to sleep.

As I go about my day, my brain is no longer thinking about other countries or world travel, but rather it's focused on an email I'm expecting, an appointment I have coming up, a hassle with the insurance company, my son's schooling, finances, all that. So, I find myself praying and giving thanks. I pray that my mind finds some peace and I can get back to the important things in life like playing SpaceTank or taking my son to the dinosaur museum. You know what? It works. 

Have you ever seen Office Space? I'm sure you have. You know that scene where Peter is being hypnotized and his therapist drops dead before snapping him out of a state of pure bliss? That scene has been staying with me lately, and I think about it from time to time. Sometimes I'll be on the phone trying to sort my way through a health insurance issue or something, and I'll start to get all worked up. Then I remember that it's possible to feel the relief of not caring even before the issue is resolved. I just drop my shoulders, take a deep breath, and sort of space out into my own little world. I've watched that movie about five times in the last two months, always on flights. It spoke to me for some reason during my several recent work trips.

So, that's my life these days, and I am focusing on the path of discipline. It's done me well in the past back when I was struggling through college just to pass basic math courses or Spanish. Funny, I excel at both of those now. I just drop my worries and focus on becoming better. I guess that's all I can do. I want to be a better dad. I want to be a better person, and I hope I'm doing alright because I don't really have the option not to.

Version 4.0

My son turned four yesterday, and I realized something very beautiful that I just wanted to document. Not only was he celebrating his very fun birthday with awesome friends and family, but we were also celebrating four years of having Salem in our lives; the best four years of my life.

I wanted that written somewhere. 

Soul Searching

If I were to randomly transport to this moment in time from any other moment in time, it would be just as easy to tell that it's currently early September. It's not the weather or the shortening days, but something about this month keeps me on edge, and I think writing about it will help me figure out why.

The obvious reasons would still be valid. Summer is almost over and school is back in session. As a kid, both of those brought me a lot of anxiety, and I'm sure they did for everyone else. But, this month in this year I feel off about something. 

I need something. Maybe I need someone. Maybe I just need some attention. It seems like my 40's are quickly becoming a chapter where many good friends are becoming strangers, and I'm kind of bummed about it.

So, on days like today I wake up early (I always wake up early) and I find some angle to watch the sunrise, either by couch or morning run. It's my alone time and I use it to think about things, but it never gets me anywhere.

And, I dabble. I'll get really interested in things like watercolor painting or ocarinas and for a short while I'll obsess over them. That feels good to me. Art and music have been the guiding light to my life's journey, and even though I'm not professionally employed through either, the core of my being has always revolved around both. So, I never really find any answers there, only comfort. 

Soul searching.. Isn't that what this blog has always been about? 

10:35 PM, the rocking chair in the living room at our place in Port Hope. I think a cosmic challenge somewhere has been accepted. I'm probably going through something. 

Earlier I heard an old man in a video say, "if you live in the past, you'll be depressed. If you live in the future, you'll have anxiety. If you live in the present, you'll be at peace." 

I guess so. I mean, I have been living in the past an awful lot lately. I've been pretty depressed about it too. And, I've been asking, "what's next?". Maybe that's causing me anxiety, living in the future and all. 

Hmm.. right? It's a head scratcher to ponder what a happy person should do to move forward, or at least live more in the present. There was a time when I was satisfied with such anxiety.

Today is a good day for a change.

It's about 7:53 in the morning, and I'm sitting at the kitchen table of our tiny home in Port Hope, Michigan. My cat is curled up in a cute little ball to my right, and down the hall I can hear my wife and son waking up, laughing about something. 

I don't have a lot of time to begin this, but I want something different from today. I have a lot of good things going for me, and I'm going to relax a little bit. Maybe now I can find the source of that voice that has been whispering to me.

Familiar.

Cat spirit. Goddess.

Maybe I just needed to stretch. I feel strong again. I'm onto something.

Coffee machine gurgles behind me, and the world is just about to get started. Oh, how I do deeply value these mornings. What's the secret to having more mornings like this?

I really don't think anybody reads this anymore. Can I start being honest? That would be greeeat.

Duygu

Hello blog,

It's a Tuesday in late August. My son is away at his grandmother's house and my wife is somewhere doing something. I'm here. I'm in a weird way. Too much live resin today, maybe. I'm not myself. Sometimes writing helps.

I want to escape from social media. There was a time about fifteen years ago when I dropped my phone in the water, and suddenly I was free from the very basic burden of text messages. Now look. It's insane how much time I spend doing bullshit on my phone. 

I need something. I get excited about stuff for a little while and put my all into it. Then it kind of fizzles away and I go back to soul searching. I'm always soul searching. What does that mean anyway? Are we looking for souls or searching from within our souls? 

I'm just trying to see some beautiful things.

Maybe I've been spoiled.

Does anybody still read this? I'd imagine one or two travel friends are still lingering around out there also hiding from social media. What keeps you going? Are you still wandering around the world like you were when I met you?