Thursday, August 15, 2013

the photos that never quite catch it

for a long time i have felt this strange pulling in my brain between two incredible sources of inspiration.  i have been taught to believe that the two sources draw from the same place but their differences seem to consume me in ways that other people might find usable.

the first of these sources is the notion of visual art, the times of my consciousness when i feel that i can copy my imagination onto paper, canvas or wall or perhaps wherever i deem fit at that moment.  the ideas overwhelm me and i have a hard time focusing on things that should matter in life like performing tasks to pay bills and spending time with loved ones however my visual imagination is a ticklish side of my brain that makes me feel like a child with a box of crayons in a world with no rules prohibiting us to stay within the lines.

my dreams are so colorful when my visually stimulating, ether-tapping device is in full function.  i dress differently and paint my face when i'm home alone.  the type of music i listen to is usually without words (unless it is hip-hop which i prefer lots and lots of words).  i find that i like to give people tiny gifts when i'm in visual mode and i like to make little sketches on torn pieces of scrap paper and leave them in jacket pockets resting on backs of chairs.  a bathroom mirror is like a sitting duck and i'm the hunter who does not obey the rules of open season.

the other sector of my brain which pulls me with such polarity is the source which compels me to make music.  when i am in this 'mode' i tap on things a lot and have trouble holding still.  i find it easy to listen to a song one time and teach myself how to play it on a guitar or piano that exists only in my head and i assure myself with certainty that i'm correct in my assumptions.

my dreams are strangely enough quite conversational when i'm in audio mode.  i find myself in deep conversations with friends from the past, those of which i've mentioned many times in various ways and those of which who have continued to inspire me with or without their physical presence.  that is curious.  it is intriguing to me that my friends from back home come to me in my sleeping-consciousness more commonly when i'm in audio mode.  even after writing that sentence i realize that i hadn't previously let that occur to me.

the frustrating this is that i cannot be in both modes at the same time.  i've struggled with this since i was a young child as music and art have played strong roles in my life for most of my life.  i believe that although i cannot locate the source from which they both draw from i have learned that both have developed a sort of intelligence for me that does not allow me to settle for anything less that well thought out solutions to problems that matter to me; problems like a blank canvas or a guitar sitting in a corner with dust on it.

1 comment:

  1. Dude, I love reading your blogs. Not a day goes by I don't think about leaving this place. You give Rachel and I inspiration to experience our unknown path. Staying here will lead us to white picket fences... which would be travesty on both our parts. I know we both have so much to give and knowing our true destiny is within reach is driving me mad. Seeing you again sparked the flame to our fueling dream. I dream everyday about reuniting somewhere... Turkey? South Africa? Argentina? All we know is what we are looking for is not here. Till we meet again old friend, maybe soon.