Wednesday, January 1, 2014

and not in vain will i seek

the mystery of it all.. the side-effects of living a life which purposefully does not question its meaning nor its purpose.  maybe i've been a coward and avoided the question.  i no longer concern myself with things like fate or destiny i just let things happen and tip a glass to the chaos of things.

it humbles me.

this year i have spent more time in my head than my previous 30 years combined.  i've met people and had experiences that are so amazing that i will not sift through the adjectives required to paint such a picture.  these are my memories and my pages of a book which only i read.  and now i'm left wondering about the future, an action which i usually try to avoid.  

i really have no idea where my life will take me next and i'm all of a sudden happy again having said that.  i feel like a kid again, a child who is new to the mysteries of the world.  i'm a child who does not question things but knows how to do what he is told.  i listen very carefully and adamantly to the consciousness in my heart and it has taken me to so many wonderful places in this world.  

i'm trying to avoid sadness, sleep better and eat in a diet which is relative to the diet of the great island i'm about to wander.  alone.  

once or twice i've written about something i call 'deconstruction', a concept which i've associated with the process of removing everything from your life which holds you back.  first you must go through your soul and second your apartment and you must untie the strings tied around your heart.  traveling the world is no gift which you win in the lottery nor is it your dream which you have to fulfill once you retire, it is in fact a reward of great personal sacrifice and discipline.  the sadness in my heart is great and i'm not as strong as you think i am.  i miss the world here and i feel pain in the gaps between my visits but this is the life i've chosen and to be perfectly honest i cannot imagine ever coming back for good.

this year i became attached to something which i choose to keep secret.  this thing, this idea has become something which keeps me on my toes and forever rearranges the closed corners of my heart.  i welcome it.  i'm glad it came and i'm happy to feel that madness.  

next year i will pack a bag, buy a ticket and move to madagascar.  i'm going to wander with eyes wide open and hands to the sky.  i will come back again to this city which has molded the scaffolding of the person who i have become today.

as it has been written, so i shall say again to you my friends, my brothers and sisters who have loved and supported me unconditionally for all these years together:

Brief were my days among you, and briefer still the words I have spoken. But should my voice fade in your ears, and my love vanish in your memory, then I will come again. And with a richer heart and lips more yielding to the spirit will I speak. Yea, I shall return with the tide, And though death may hide me, and the greater silence enfold me, yet again will I seek your understanding. And not in vain will I seek. If aught I have said is truth, that truth shall reveal itself in a clearer voice, and in words more kin to your thoughts.

-Kahlil Gibran

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