Monday, May 26, 2014

you cannot unsee things

In the last few days I have made a conscious effort to spend a lot of time alone.  Each time I try to answer the questions of why I am doing this i come up with a different reason so perhaps rather I'll just leave that to wonder.  As my last few contractual days of work come to a close I find myself caring less and less about what time it is and whether it is day or night or the weekend.  I'm not sad at all just alone and listening to the voices in my head, the same voices that brought me to this place and the same voices that guide every journey I've ever taken.

When I'm alone for long enough I find myself retelling the stories of my past and asking myself the same questions.. questions like:  where is home?  and why does the summer sun feel so strange when I am there?  Do I belong anywhere?  maybe I have come too far to ever call a place my home or perhaps I've been at home here all along.  Sometimes I think my friends have forgotten about me but really I cannot blame them.  Every time I come back to the states it is as if I never left and we continue our stories as if we are part of a really good book that we put down long ago and pick up once again to blow the dust off.

I think about you often (and it doesn't matter who YOU are in this sense.. it is only a rhetorical YOU perhaps) but I know I have left a mark on your thoughts.  I hope I make you proud even though you haven't seen me for a long long time.  these stories are ours to write and I truly wonder how these pages will conclude.  My life has been an interesting and blessed one and I am absolutely so thrilled to be here on this planet.  I never blinked an eye at an opportunity to explore it to its fullest and here my soul and my heart and the loud voices in my head are invading my dreams and carrying me to the fourth largest island in the world and I'll be back one day to share my words with you again.

It is true that I am alone in this moment but I am not lonely.  I've found more love in this world than I could ever deserve and I will continue to share it with open arms for as long as I live.  I have chosen the lonelier path and I will travel it completely and wholeheartedly as I've been taught to do in the past.

I'm only human.  I'm sorry if I've ever wronged anybody or been false to you with my words but I'm learning to be a better person and when I come back from this crazy adventure I'll be a simpler man with an innocent mind and pure heart and inshallah a voice more recognizable to the human condition.. you cannot unsee what I am about to see.

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