ankitadhal

for two days i couldn't wake up.  i walked around in a zombie-like state and could hardly put two words together in my mind.  then suddenly a wave of lucidity hit me about an hour before i went to bed last night and i slept better than i have in a long time.  not only did i sleep but i had a series of intense and seemingly inexplicable dreams which i hardly remember this morning.  it hit me that i haven't dreamed (or at least remembered dreaming) in a week or two and perhaps there is something really important in the dream cycle which keeps us fully conscious in the waking life.  i thought about this deeply this morning and how it applies to life in a bigger way.

there is this girl, a friend i've never met, who is bound for great adventures in this life.  she found me somehow through the analects of the internet and continues to follow my ramblings and travels over many many moons.  she too is a dreamer.  she too is conscious in her waking life and i know that she is also bound to the journeys around the world one day when she learns how to not only dream but understand the importance of connecting the dream world to the conscious world we all live in.

this is the power of dreaming, it gives us a connection as human (and in fact animal) that somehow doesn't require words.  i look at my students sometimes and i can tell that they saw dreams last night.  sometimes they even tell me that they have dreamed of me and i don't take that at all to be strange.  i've had students write me emails and tell me their elaborate dreams they have seen me in and i absolutely feel a connection to these people.  what a guilty pleasure it is to invade someone's deep subconscious thoughts.

today i am awake and ready for the world outside.  i've restarted the process of working and meditating on my future travels, i once called this 'stewing'.  i actually don't know where i'm going next but i've chosen to leave my thoughts open.  it is truly a vast and massive planet with delicious cultures and musical colors beyond every great sea and mountain.  i want to pursue love and beauty in every form and pick happiness off nature all around me.  wherever i end up next i'll not forget the boundless moment i live in today. 

and we all go up to the Mero..

skipping rope still turning
children at their play
in and out of clarendon street
in and out to pray
i haven't prayed for twenty years
or sung a happy song
since praying came with innocence
and the devil played along

it's laughter cut with fear and doubt..

it all speeds up from here.  it's the way we never notice the change in clouds until they are silver and raining.  it's the way we stare at strangers when they least suspect it.  i want to be something beautiful when the days turn into years and on the day the earth expires its last breath i'll be sitting back with a greasy morning smile and a handful of memories of how soft your skin feels on my face.  it's i who gets the last laugh, i never blinked when my eyes were blinded by the sun.

my only valuable wish.. i want you to feel the wind on your body like a golden retriever hanging from the window of a fast car.  i never learned a damn thing.  after fifty some-odd countries i'm just as lost as ever.. but i'm happy.  here's to hope.  here's to belly kisses and the way your hair gets stuck in your mouth and chokes you when you first wake up.

i never doubted us human beings.  i was the one who believed in us and turned a blind eye to our cigarette soaked after parties and hangover home remedies.  i still believe in love and i kiss with two hands buried deep in the back of your head.

i know the pain in your smiles, the aching of a hungry stomach and the risk of death.  i'm not really scared of anything.  i still toss coins into fountains and meet with my forest muse who puts flowers into the hands of naked statues hidden below the gardens of an old mansion.

it's laughter cut with fear and doubt.  the freedom of a staircase will drop you to a broken kneecap if you don't hold the handrail tightly like a lover.

i've seen things you could never imagine.  i've witnessed the best and worst of humans and i still don't know if i feel like being a good person.  in fact i like being bad sometimes.  my life makes no sense to anyone but my cat.  i wouldn't change a single moment for all the diamonds in the cave.  when this story is over i'll die laughing.  mark these words: life is awesome.  kiss more often and smile at strangers.. you have a beautiful face no matter what the mirror tells you.

this must be the place

Detroit - Week 2

in that former life... were you the committed type who never missed a hanging?

the rains here are strange.  they come down in full power for a short while then leave the sky a gritty silver with a great distance between the clouds and the earth.  the sun pokes through like a winking eye in the evening and i shuffle through songs on my phone to find the appropriate music to catch this moment; kill the radio.. listen to the rain fall.  

i wonder what i am to this place, a seed tossed into a strong wind.  i sneak out at night and company myself with people who understand me and see the world through the same crystal ball that i do.  we smile and hug and touch glasses together as our stories become anecdote to an already rich story we've written together.  

i want to see so much more of this world.  i want to see water fall off cliffs and smash on thankless rocks below.  i want to feel the sun burn through the cracks between leaves and branches of trees and i want to wake up hearing the sounds in my dreams drift slowly into the dreams of my waking life.  metaphysical and poetic indeed.. such is life.  

still.. somehow in this moment i feel the confusion in wondering more about who i am.. or what i am.. what have i done in this world?  was it all a dream?  will you share this moment with me?